WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Democratic Party was left scrambling for a replacement today, as long-time faithful Senator Mitt Romney of Utah announced he would not be seeking re-election.
"This is a huge blow for the Democratic Party," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "Romney has been one of our most reliable senators. He will be sorely missed."
Democrats have immediately begun searching for a replacement candidate, concerned that conservatives in Utah could flip the seat Republican. "Romney being able to carry Utah for the Democrats was an unbelievable windfall for the party," said analyst Chuck Todd. "It will be incredibly difficult to find another candidate who can win in such a deep red state while completely and utterly turning his back on the Republican party. It's like finding a unicorn."
According to sources in the Romney camp, the Senator plans to retire to the plains of Namibia to spend more time with his fellow rhinoceros family.
BEEing a RINOA couple more satire gems for the weekly roundup:
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today's InstructionsWASHINGTON, D.C. — As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day's official instructions and talking points.
"We don't say a word without knowing what they want us to say," said Joe Scarborough, co-host of MSNBC's Morning Joe. "If the administration doesn't provide us with a bulleted list of things to talk about, we're lost. I mean, seriously, what would we do without the White House giving specific instructions? Objectively discuss current events? Report the news? Don't be ridiculous."
In the age of social media and mass internet access, the public at large has grown bewildered by the mainstream media's blatant refusal to discuss anything related to Joe Biden and his family being involved in alleged corruption scandals. When questioned, members of the media were quick to play defense. "That's not our job," said CNN anchor Jake Tapper. "Reporting the news is not the job of news reporters. We're here to propagate the government's official narrative. Besides, there are no scandals involving the Biden family. None. Zero."
At publishing time, journalists had cheered as the Administration instructed them to cover something about Taylor Swift since there was definitely no news of note going on at the White House.
Jets File Restraining Order Against Colin KaepernickNEW YORK, NY — Following the season-ending Achilles tendon injury suffered by star quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the New York Jets have been forced to file for a restraining order against former NFL player Colin Kaepernick to protect the team from his unwanted advances.
"No means no," said Jets General Manager Joe Douglas. "You'd think the guy would take a hint after a while, but we eventually had to take legal action to make him give us some space. We're not interested, dude. Please stop asking."
Kaepernick, who has been out of the NFL since 2016, reportedly reached out to the Jets after Rodgers was injured in the team's season opener. "I'm sorry that I referred to playing in the NFL as slavery," Kaepernick told the Jets. "I would really appreciate having another opportunity to become a slave and play for a racist, oppressive NFL team once again. Please? I won't do the kneeling thing during the National Anthem anymore. I'm just tired of working at the car wash."
