The Conservative Cave
The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: Workover on January 29, 2021, 05:05:52 PM
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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over...........women like that are hard to find."
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The wife asked what’cha doing today?
I told her ‘nothing’.
She said that’s what you did yesterday.
I said I wasn’t finished.
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Know how to defeat wrinkles?
Eat till they fill out.
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God’s got to be the best inventor of all time.
He took a rib and built a loudspeaker.
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What’s the best birth control after 50?
Nudity.
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My wife asked what was on TV. I said dust.
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The vary old lady was walking in a windy environment and her skirts swirled around her continuously.
A young man said “Granny, you better let the hat go and hold down your skirt. You’re showing everything you got”.
The old never missed a step but replied “I don’t care. Let them look. Everything below that skirt is near a hundred years old. This is a brand new hat.”
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My wife asked what was on TV. I said dust.
When do the stitches come out?
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When do the stitches come out?
:rotf: :rotf:
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In 20 years when the kids start asking about the toilet paper shortage of 2020 ...
I’m telling them we had to drag our butts across the lawn...
In the snow ...
Uphill
Both ways.
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I see people supposedly my age out mountain climbing.
I feel lucky if I can get my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
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The devil whispered to me “I’m coming for you “
I whispered back “Bring pizza”
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When we were young we snuck out of the house to go to parties.
Now we sneak out of parties to go home.
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When we were young we snuck out of the house to go to parties.
Now we sneak out of parties to go home.
Damn. And I thought I was the only one.
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The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
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Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day.
He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.
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It helps if you imagine auto correct in your phone is a tiny little elf who is trying to help but really is quite drunk.
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I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit!
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing they closed school? Yeah, me neither. .
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I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. . . . I forgot where I was going with this. . .
I love approaching 80. I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just remember, once you're over the hill - you begin to pick up speed.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
It’s weird being the same age as old people?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
I see people about my age mountain climbing. I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
You know you're getting pretty damned mature when you sit on the floor to retrieve something then look for more things to do while you're already down there!