Congratulations to hypertensive ol’ Bob, the TheMastersNemesis primitive!
Being selected as
Top DUmmie is no small thing, and it’s not as if Bob had to work particularly hard to get it. Simply by being bitter pissy ol’ Bob, he outclassed any other possible contender for the honor.
His selection as
Top DUmmie was the closest ever, to being unanimous in the whole twelve-year history of the Top DUmmies. Even lyin’ Tom and cousin nadin didn’t perform so overwhelmingly.
2015 #02 Top DUmmie
2014 #09 Top DUmmie
2013 #07 Top DUmmie
2012 #12 Top DUmmie
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hypertensive ol’ Bob, who’s 73 years old and was born in central Illinois, is a long-retired public servant; he spent decades stultifying as a state employee in Colorado. After two years of military service, he got married but never had any kids. He and his long-suffering wife live in an affluent suburb way outside of congested urban Denver. Among anomalies, he’s possessive of only one foot, not two, a few years ago having ignored the growing gangrene in one until the whole thing just fell off.
Hypertensive ol’ Bob’s pet hates, in no particular order, include Republicans, conservatives, Donald Trump, Ronald Reagan, GOPPERs, guns, God, and religion. If one of these was laying on the side of the road, writhing and spasming in pain and agony, ol’ Bob ain’t going to play no Good Samaritan.
All of his pet hates are too strong, too violent, for most to stomach, but his hatred of God seems the most intriguing. One wonders what God ever did to him, to deserve this.
He’s sure we’re going to institute some sort of theocratic Trumpian Police State after January 20, 2017, rounding up and ultimately eliminating Democrats, liberals, and primitives from this time and place. Of course no such thing is going to happen, but why remind them? Best to just let them all run amok in a frenzy of irrational panic, fear, and paranoia until they drop dead.
Which in hypertensive ol’ Bob’s case can’t be too much longer.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
One is obliged to go easy on ol’ Bob, not merely because he’s a weak sick old man, but also because he’s dealing with the frailties of his patient and stoically-silent wife, who possibly views herself putting up with him as penance for her sins; far better to pay for one’s sins in this life, rather than in the next.
One supposes Bob cares, really cares, about his wife, but he appears to have an odd way of showing it; one fails to see how his being angry, mean, spiteful, bitter, and violent helps ameliorate
her pain.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Okay, that’s it, that’s all the awards for 2016.
My heartfelt thanks to Mr. Wiggum for keeping involved in this enterprise, the Top DUmmies, and to our distinguished colleague Mr Mannn who extricated franksolich out of a particularly difficult situation during the writing of the awards.
Happy 2017 and a Merry Trump Year to all!