DOJ Indicts JD Vance For Brutally Beating 3 Women

[Ralph Wiggum]

These three little nuggets seem to summarize last night's events, therefore a new thread:

DOJ Indicts JD Vance For Brutally Beating 3 Women



NEW YORK, NY — The excited mood among Republicans following last night's vice presidential debate was quickly squelched by the breaking news that the Department of Justice had indicted Ohio Senator J.D. Vance for brutally beating three women.

A spokesperson for the DOJ confirmed that the federal government received multiple tips last night from people who said they had personally witnessed Vance mercilessly bludgeoning three females on live television.

"Senator Vance allegedly perpetrated a vicious attack last night," said the DOJ spokesperson. "We were notified by an abundance of eyewitnesses who accused Senator Vance of soundly beating three women, one of whom is elderly and may be 'special needs'. Upon further investigation, we determined there was enough evidence to bring an indictment against Senator Vance on these charges. We will be forced to issue a warrant for his arrest if he does not turn himself in… or just drop out of the race. That would be totally fine, too."

One witness in attendance at last night's debate confirmed the legitimacy of the allegations. "Yeah, he really whipped those three broads," the debate attendee said. "He was trying to get his point across, but those three ladies kept squawking at him, so he just unleashed on them. By the time Vance was done speaking, none of those ladies were left standing. It was brutal."

At publishing time, a representative of the Trump-Vance campaign released a statement clarifying that, despite evidence to the contrary, one of the people Vance battered was a man.

https://babylonbee.com/news/doj-indicts-jd-vance-for-brutally-beating-3-women

[Ralph Wiggum]

Part two:

School Shooters Distance Themselves From Tim Walz



U.S. — After Minnesota Governor and U.S. Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz claimed he was friends with them in Tuesday night's debate, school shooters across the nation were quick to distance themselves from "that total weirdo."

A spokesperson for the National Association of School Shooters clarified that "we didn't really know him all that well" and "our moms just made us hang out with him and invite him to our birthday parties sometimes."

"Yeah, we weren't, like, friends or anything," said Vance Walberry, who attempted a school shooting in Minnesota in 1982 but was tackled by the high school quarterback. "He was kinda strange. Kept lurking around the boys' bathroom asking if anyone needed a tampon." Walberry shook his head. "We don't want anything to do with a freak like that."

Evidence has emerged that supports the school shooters' claims, as photos recently surfaced showing Walz sitting in the back of a school classroom sticking pencils in his mouth to look like a walrus while a group of future school shooters point and laugh at him. Another photo clearly shows Walz stuffed into a trash can. One teacher came forward to say that while the school shooters were obviously odd and off-putting, Walz was "a genuine fruitcake" and once tried out for the part of Sandy in a school production of Grease.

"Yeah, we were barely acquaintances. Only really talked to him when the teacher made us group up with him for a school project," said Paul Cronenworth, a Minnesota State University school shoooter. "And then while the rest of the group was doing all the work, he kept putting Bugles on his fingers and saying, 'Look at my manicure, I'm a pretty lady!'"

"Weird dude."

https://babylonbee.com/news/school-shooters-distance-themselves-from-that-weirdo-tim-walz

[Ralph Wiggum]

And finally for today, which is NOT satire but ostensibly "real news":

Politico: Vance’s Beard at Debate Could Be Viewed as ‘Conveying Aggression,’ Walz’s Wide Eyes Showed Passion



Sen. JD Vance’s (R-OH) beard at the debate could be viewed — particularly to women — as “conveying aggression,” while Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz’s (D-MN) wide eyes displayed his passion, a Politico story analyzing the body language cues from Tuesday night’s vice-presidential debate concluded.

The article, authored by Joe Navarro, a body language expert who worked with the FBI, went through eight body language cues from the debate. He touted his time with the national security division’s elite behavioral analysis program and began his analysis with Vance’s beard, which he said “matters.” In his analysis, he claimed that — to women particularly — a beard can appear to be more threatening, conveying what he described as “aggression and opposition to feminist ideals.”

One of the first bits of nonverbal communication to appear in the debate was on JD Vance’s face: his beard. As POLITICO Magazine has noted before, Vance is the first White House wannabe to wear facial hair in 80 years. Our appearance is fundamental to our body language, and research indicates that voters see beards as (surprise, surprise) more masculine. That can be positive to some, reading as strength and competence. But to others, especially women, it can be negative, conveying aggression and opposition to feminist ideals.

https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2024/10/02/politico-vances-beard-debate-could-viewed-conveying-aggression-walzs-wide-eyes-showed-passion/

[SVPete]

I hate saying this, as it insults a hilarious and noble comedian, but Walz's bug-eyed expression and otherwise great non-hair style ( ) make him look like Don Rickles when Rickles was hitting his punchlines.

One of the Trump-Biden/Harris debate rules was that non-answering candidates' microphones were to be muted. IRL, it was the ImModerators' microphones that should also have been muted after a "question" was asked. CBS had promised there would be no "fact-checking" by ImModerators, but that "promise" was broken by attacks on Vance, with no consequences to the ImModerators, unsurprisingly.

[Old n Grumpy]

He did have that bug eye thing going on. I could hear him thinking what am I doing here?