The Conservative Cave
The Bar => Comedy Central => Topic started by: mrclose on March 05, 2014, 10:45:27 AM
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Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s grocery
buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal
pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.
What did she think ... I had an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on
impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and that the way that it works is, to load your
pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive
care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her
no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a
heart attack he was laughing so hard.
(Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.)
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
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:rotf:
h5
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:rotf:
h5
Yep....just bumped him another one.
I love crazy old people.....I R now 1 myself.
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Too funny. Getting ready to go to the grocery store to see if I can stir up some sh!t. Damn milk I got yesterday had a chemical taste to it. Not sour or bad.
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:hi5: :rofl:
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This is ready for immediate export to DU. They would "eat it up" over there.
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^5 dude!
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Gotta do some more funny stuff postings! :rofl:
I have always wondered how you rack up those H5 thingies! :banghead:
When you get to a certain amount .. do you get a nice prize? :???:
How do you earn those -(minus) numbers and do they affect the kind of prize you get? :rant: :rotf:
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Gotta do some more funny stuff postings! :rofl:
I have always wondered how you rack up those H5 thingies! :banghead:
When you get to a certain amount .. do you get a nice prize? :???:
How do you earn those -(minus) numbers and do they affect the kind of prize you get? :rant: :rotf:
Your 7 to 10 ratio is very high. I have only seen a few higher on this forum. If you like it that way, don't mess with it.
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:yum:
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Gotta do some more funny stuff postings! :rofl:
I have always wondered how you rack up those H5 thingies! :banghead:
When you get to a certain amount .. do you get a nice prize? :???:
How do you earn those -(minus) numbers and do they affect the kind of prize you get? :rant: :rotf:
I wouldn't know. :P
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Gotta do some more funny stuff postings! :rofl:
I have always wondered how you rack up those H5 thingies! :banghead:
When you get to a certain amount .. do you get a nice prize? :???:
How do you earn those -(minus) numbers and do they affect the kind of prize you get? :rant: :rotf:
Like PS, I dunno. Shit just sorta happens.....
:-)
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Like PS, I dunno. Shit just sorta happens.....
:-)
See how easy it is? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I draw them like flies.
Speaking of... I wonder where my daily bitchslapper is today? I felt lonely until you got me, Eupher. :hi5:
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See how easy it is? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
I draw them like flies.
Speaking of... I wonder where my daily bitchslapper is today? I felt lonely until you got me, Eupher. :hi5:
Aw, I was just feelin'...oh, I dunno...generous. Don't panic -- it doesn't happen often. :lmao:
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Aw, I was just feelin'...oh, I dunno...generous. Don't panic -- it doesn't happen often. :lmao:
Thank you for the generosity. I was feeling decidedly ignored today. I thought I was going to have do something drastic like poking Dutch to get my daily spanking.
Just a word of warning, mrclose. Dutch has an itchy palm. :panic:
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Thank you for the generosity. I was feeling decidedly ignored today. I thought I was going to have do something drastic like poking Dutch to get my daily spanking.
Just a word of warning, mrclose. Dutch has an itchy palm. :panic:
Any references to Dutch's "itchy palms" will definitely result in bitchslaps all around! :-)
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Any references to Dutch's "itchy palms" will definitely result in bitchslaps all around! :-)
I've been waiting for it with that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach you get when you know you're gonna get it big time. :???:
Shhhhhh. I think he may have gone to bed. :naughty:
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I've been waiting for it with that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach you get when you know you're gonna get it big time. :???:
Shhhhhh. I think he may have gone to bed. :naughty:
He whose name should not be mentioned will rise from his bed to pass out BS's.
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When my kids were babes I was partying with the boys and went to the store for a case of beer. My wife asked me to pick up diapers while I was there. I got some funny looks at the checkout so I exclaimed I was not going to get up till the beer was finished!
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When my kids were babes I was partying with the boys and went to the store for a case of beer. My wife asked me to pick up diapers while I was there. I got some funny looks at the checkout so I exclaimed I was not going to get up till the beer was finished!
What this country needs is a good sports diaper !
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What this country needs is a good sports diaper !
One that would fit around Obama's lying mouth would work.
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One that would fit around Obama's lying mouth would work.
And one for his golf score card. Or does he even use one ?
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And one for his golf score card. Or does he even use one ?
Him and cheata Woods are like two peas in a pod.
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Thank you for the generosity. I was feeling decidedly ignored today. I thought I was going to have do something drastic like poking Dutch to get my daily spanking.
Just a word of warning, mrclose. Dutch has an itchy palm. :panic:
Does the 'slapping' part hurt a lot? :(
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Does the 'slapping' part hurt a lot? :(
Nah. It's pretty funny actually.