The Bar > Comedy Central

Just old.....

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Workover:
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day.
He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

Workover:
It helps if you imagine auto correct in your phone is a tiny little elf who is trying to help but really is quite drunk.

Workover:
I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
 
I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.
 
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit!
 
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
 
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
 
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
 
Kids today don't know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
 
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
 
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing they closed school?  Yeah, me neither. .
. .
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. . . . I forgot where I was going with this. . .
 
I love approaching 80.  I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.
 
A thief broke into my house last night.  He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.
 
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
 
Just remember, once you're over the hill - you begin to pick up speed.
 
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
 
It’s weird being the same age as old people?
 
When I was a kid, I wanted to be older.  This is not what I expected.
 
Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
 
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
 
I see people about my age mountain climbing.  I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
 
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet. 
 
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
 
You know you're getting pretty damned mature when you sit on the floor to retrieve something then look for more things to do while you're already down there!
 

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