http://www.democraticunderground.org/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x6197329Oh my.
I said the lad has potential.
armyowalgreens (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:06 AM
Original message
A 35 year old alcoholic, sexaholic, suicidal, abused mother asked me for legal advice today...
She's a coworker. She is constantly talking about sex. And when she isn't talking about sex, she is talking about alcohol or popping pills or attempting suicide. At first I thought she was just some creepy chick because she was constantly trying to get me to drink with her. Apparently she is notorious for seeking out "younger guys"... None the less, I kept a cordial relationship because I feel bad for people with such a destructive lifestyle. Plus I can relate to the depression and suicidal tendencies.
Keep in mind, I have no experience in legal matters. I haven't even been "legal" for two years yet. Apparently she overheard me discussing politics a few times at work and assumed I was some sort of attorney. I explained to her that I could provide very little help in legal matters, but would try my best.
Her first attempt at explaining herself went something like this:
"I know this guy who is an illegal alien, who was charged with domestic violence. Will he be deported if he goes to court? And would it be better if he just fled the country now?"
I thought about it for a second and explained that, if he is found guilty, he would likely serve time in the US system and then most likely be deported upon his release. But I emphasized the fact that I can only guess at what would actually take place. So I then went on to explain that if he fled the country, they would probably put out an arrest warrant within the United States and any future attempts at going for legal citizenship in the US would be very challenging for him with such a record.
But I was becoming increasingly interested in why she was asking these questions? Who the hell was this guy she is talking about?
A little later, she said that she had another question for me.
"So lets say that this guy was wrongly arrested for domestic violence. The 'victim' was very drunk at the time and there may have been a fight where both were responsible."
I was starting to connect the dots. I asked what happened during the fight that caused the police to come out and arrest the guy for domestic violence.
"Well, during the fight, he had tied the other person up with wire and there were marks. So the police arrested him. But really, the two people were just fighting. And the 'victim' feels bad that the guy was arrested. She wants to drop the charges. And without other witnesses, wouldn't the guy get off the hook?"
That doesn't sound like the other person put up much of a fight. I explained that the victim can drop the charges but that the state can press charges independently. Especially if there is clear physical evidence of the crime. But I again emphasized that this advice is coming from a 19 year old undergrad. The odds of me actually having accurate legal advice were low. I told her that the "victim" should really seek legal advice from a lawyer. So I went back to work because this entire situation was becoming a little too weird for me.
A little later, she cornered me in the break area.
She started ranting. She was the woman and her boyfriend was the guy arrested for domestic violence. Apparently she was really drunk that night, like every other night, and they "got in a fight." She doesn't want to drop the charges because she's scared that the court will find out she was drunk that night and take away...
her kid. She has a kid. In fact, she has 4 kids. All from different fathers. All but one have been taken away by CPS and placed in the custody of someone else.
She explained to me that the three kids were taken away because she got in a car accident, while intoxicated, with a kid in the car. She did time for child endangerment and obviously the DUI.
I told her that she needs to get help and that it doesn't sound like there is a safe environment for her one remaining kid. I explained that, in all honesty, it doesn't sound like she deserves the kid and if she actually cared about it, she would give up custody until she got straight.
I also told her that it sounds like she was physically abused by her boyfriend and that, whatever happened that night, it was not a fair fight.
She told me that she understands all that. She said that she's been in treatment programs before but they don't help. She said that she likes drinking and doesn't want to stop.
I told her that she will either eventually lose custody of the kid or something bad is going to happen and that she had the ability to control the outcome.
I swear, I don't know why disturbed individuals flock to me, but it makes my life very interesting. I also don't know why I posted this, but the story was so messed up that I felt like someone needed to hear about it. More than likely, this mom is going to do nothing to change the situation.
I'm thinking about contacting CPS on my own. But I'm not sure if that is a good idea.
Three boldened comments above, all three of them significant.
However, just look at the second of the three.
A waitress at Village Inn thinks a waiter there, a co-worker, is an attorney?
masuki bance (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:10 AM
Response to Original message
1. Buy her a bottle of tequila.
Xenotime (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 11:25 AM
Response to Reply #1
37. This person is suffering and that's your advice?!?
dionysus (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 02:16 PM
Response to Reply #1
40. classy
After which some primitives offer advice, some of it sensible, some of it not.
Amos Moses (201 posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:12 AM
Response to Original message
3. Make sure you wear a rubber.
cali (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:23 AM
Response to Original message
7. The reason disturbed individuals "flock" to you is plain as the nose on your face:
You engage. In fact, judging from this story you over engage to a pretty extreme degree.
Contacting CPS is a big deal. Think it over carefully. And learn how to (kindly) disengage people like this woman.
armyowalgreens (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:28 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. Yeah, I am often overcurious. I guess that makes sense...
I tend to get in too deep, and then I have no clue how to back out. I just hate being just another person who doesn't give a shit about peoples problems.
cali (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 08:19 AM
Response to Reply #8
19. I think it's great that you do give a shit about other people's problems
it's just learning how and when to engage that's tricky. Otherwise, you end up with "idiot compassion".
armyowalgreens (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 08:24 AM
Response to Reply #19
21. I can understand "idiot compassion"...
My father is psychotic. I broke off contact with him for a long while. Then I decided to start talking to him again for a few weeks last year. I haven't spoken to him since because I cannot waste anymore of my life on trying to fix him.
Some people are beyond help.
colinmom71 (563 posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:45 AM
Response to Reply #7
16. What Cali said...
The next time she starts over-sharing her woes with you, come up with a standard non-answer response. Something like, "I have no idea what's best here. You should talk to state legal aid. I think they're listed in the phone book." or "Sorry, no time. I have some work that needs to get done now.".
She knows you're not attorney. How can you be at age 19?! She's more interested in getting some emotional supply from you, as I suspect she's what's often called an "emotional vampire". She wants you to get all sucked into this dysfunctional life she's created for herself so she feels like she has someone on her side. But you cannot give her what she truly needs. No one can.
She is a classic example of why domestic abuse charges are taken out of the hands of the victim. Otherwise, she'd continue to keep that abusive boyfriend around her kids absent legal intervention. I have no doubt the remaining child will be taken away eventually, but frankly that's not a matter you can control nor do you have any direct evidence (beyond the ramblings of the dysfunctional mother) to report to CPS...
Disengage and maintain a solely working relationship with this woman. Also, it may not be a bad idea to give your supervisor a heads up about the conversations. Once she realizes you're not playing her manipulation game, she may soon start making trouble in the workplace for you. People like this will turn on you faster than you can possibly imagine. I've BTDT, but no more....
Heidi (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:30 AM
Response to Original message
11. May I ask you something? What difference does it make that all her kids have different fathers?
armyowalgreens (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:37 AM
Response to Reply #11
13. Well, in some situations, it wouldn't make a difference at all...
I know people who have been remarried and have kids from multiple marriages.
But based on what this woman has said, it only further demonstrates the reckless nature of her lifestyle. What I didn't mention in here is that she also frequently talks to anyone who is within ear shot that she needs to find another guy to get her pregnant so she can have his money.
Heidi (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 07:40 AM
Response to Reply #13
15. Huh.
If she believes child support is the ticket to immense wealth, her math skills are poor at best. But that's not a crime.
pipoman (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 09:58 AM
Response to Reply #15
29. No crime but a 35 year old, who has multiple children from multiple non committed relationships, who has substance abuse problems, who cruises young (18-20 yo) men, who is very dependent on the social and legal system, who talks about suicide or otherwise harming themselves, defines a very distinct type of person who more experienced, non chemical dependent, 'normal' men wouldn't go near on a bet. This type of person is a bad dream waiting to happen for a naive young man.
pipoman (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 08:16 AM
Response to Original message
18. My $.02
run, don't walk. Back in my defense investigation days I worked several cases of young men who became involved with psycho troubled women motivated either by a legitimate belief and desire they could help the woman or because they viewed the woman as an easy mark for casual sex. The results, and reason for my involvement, were bad and in some cases life ruining for the young man. They ranged from pregnancy of the woman to false accusations of abuse to her or her children when the young man lost interest. Do yourself a favor, don't fall into this trap with this woman or any other. Don't contact CPS, if you must do something, tell a family member (who have likely already tried to intervene), a clergy member or physician who knows the family, or mind your own business and distance yourself from her immediately...don't gamble with your emotions, freedom, or your legal record.
Before there is a pile on, the issues of naive young men getting involved with troubled women. and naive young women getting involved with troubled men have, in my experience, equally problematic, yet different consequences. Young women who hook up with troubled or problem men often end up either pregnant, abused or both.
Again, jus' my $.02.
armyowalgreens (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 08:26 AM
Response to Reply #18
22. That sounds like good advice. I will being working odd hours starting next month.
And I will not be working with her again, for the most part. I can't say that I'll miss her frequent morbid observations.
It's safe to say that I would never get involved with anyone like that. I've got enough problems of my own.
I just can't help but feel bad watching someone like that run their life into the ground. It's really kind of pathetic.
That's the way franksolich feels, when watching the primitives on Skins's island.
bemildred (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 10:38 AM
Response to Original message
34. Run away. Fast.
They flock to you because you listen.
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-01-09 11:12 AM
Response to Original message
36. It sounds like these people flock to you because that's what you know.
Time to get comfortable with more functional, healthy people.
No comment.
