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Author Topic: An anti-Bouncy  (Read 767 times)

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Offline Chris_

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An anti-Bouncy
« on: July 27, 2009, 04:21:03 PM »
So I went out to eat last week at a local restaurant. After being seated I noticed that a TV in the corner was tuned to Fox News. I slowly looked around the restaurant. No one seemed to mind that Fox News was the establishment's network of choice. Many of the patrons seemed to be enjoying it. Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a bush. It was to my left and just slightly behind me. I figured someone would jump out of it, but no one did.

Then the server came to take out order...

Server: What can I get for you today?

Me: Do you have toast with legs?

Server: Sure, we have toast with eggs. How would you like your eggs?

Me: Not eggs. Legs with an "L".

Server (with a smile): Aren't you a strange one?

Me: I guess good company just makes me that way.

Server (with a wink): Better strange than deranged, honey.

Me: Speaking of deranged, do you know that Fox News is on the TV?

Server: Yep. They're the best.

Me: No one has ever complained?

Server: Nope. Everyone likes Fox News...wait a minute...There was that dirty guy.

Me: Dirty as in making passes?

Server: No. Dirty as in needing a bath and passing gas.

Me: Hmmm. Could you tell me what happened with the complaint?

Server: Sure thing. Back then we usually kept the TV on the Weather Channel. Something was happening that day. I can't remember what. Anyway, we had turned it to Fox to keep up with whatever it was. As fate would have it, dirty guy walked in about an hour after we had flipped it to Fox. When he noticed that Fox was on he began screaming. Thankfully on that day the owner was here.

Me: I'm curious. Do you happen to remember the conversation between the owner and dirty guy?

Server: It went just like this...

Dirty Guy: FAUX NEWS!!!????!!!! MIHOP!!!! LIHOP!!!!

Owner: Could I help you...uh...sir?

Dirty Guy: IF YOU WANT MY BUSINESS I DEMAND YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL NOW!!!

Owner: Do you mean change the TV channel...uh...sir?

Dirty Guy: YES YOU FUNDIE REPUG!!! IF YOU WANT MY BUSINESS YOU WILL CHANGE THE CHANNEL TO SOMETHING BESIDES FAUX NEWS!!!

Owner: Sir...uh...and I apologize if you're not a sir...but it's just a TV channel.

Dirty Guy: MIHOP!!!LIHOP!!!SHRUB LOVER!!! I REPEAT, YOU WILL NOT HAVE MY BUSINESS IF FAUX NEWS REMAINS!!!!

Owner: Okay. Let me make sure that I understand...uh...sir. If the TV stays tuned to Fox News you will leave and never come back?

Dirty Guy: TRUTH TO POWER!!!!

Owner: Stay right here just a second.

Server: With that the owner went over and fiddled with the TV a minute but didn't change the channel. When he returned the conversation picked back up...

Dirty Guy: FAUX NEWS IS STILL ON!!!!

Owner: Yeah it is.

Dirty Guy: SO WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU WENT TO THE TV!!!???!!!

Owner: I super glued that channel changing button.

Dirty Guy: NOW YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL!!!!

Owner: Exactly.

Dirty Guy: YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE MY BUSINESS REPUG!!!

Owner: Well, you come in once a week smelling up the place. You're rude. You don't tip your server. The condiments that you steal cost more than you pay for your meal. Honestly, that TV cost $300. Ruining it is a small price to pay to get rid of you.

Dirty Guy: uuuhhh. lihop?

Owner: If I were you I'd leave now as I'm going to grab my Colt, and it's not a horse.

Server: With that the Dirty Guy ran out the door. No one has complained about the TV channel since.

Me: Wow. It was almost like you remembered that conversation word for word.

Server: It was word for word. I wrote it all down.

Me: Why would you do that?

Server: I don't know if you know it or not, but there's a web site on the internet where crazy people get together. It's called "dumb as dirt in the ground" or something like that. Any way, these crazy folks get together and make up stories of make-believe encounters with normal folks. In these made up stories the crazy folks always end up the winner. The dirty guy just acted like he would be a member there. If he made up a story I wanted to have the real facts.

Me: Sounds good to me. How about a steak well done? Oh, and turn up the TV.

Server: You got it honey.

To be honest, everything after "Then the server came" is made up, but everything before that is true. The rest is probably "fake but accurate".
It was a slow Monday.
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Offline Chris

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2009, 04:41:48 PM »
 :rotf:

Beautiful.  It's almost like being there.
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Offline thundley4

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #2 on: July 27, 2009, 04:47:53 PM »
Definitely Hi-5 worthy. Oh wait, never mind. Good job, though.  :cheersmate:
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Offline franksolich

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #3 on: July 27, 2009, 05:07:04 PM »
Quote from: Chris on July 27, 2009, 04:41:48 PM
:rotf:

Beautiful.  It's almost like being there.

Damn, that's good.
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apres moi, le deluge

Offline GOBUCKS

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #4 on: July 27, 2009, 05:17:37 PM »
Very well done bouncy. Now, if you could only have the Fox-hating DUmbass see the light and announce his conversion to communist-hating, trickle-down Reagan Republicanism, you would have near perfection. The conversion is the rare crowning glory of an exceptional bouncy.
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Offline franksolich

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #5 on: July 27, 2009, 05:47:42 PM »
Quote from: GOBUCKS on July 27, 2009, 05:17:37 PM
Very well done bouncy. Now, if you could only have the Fox-hating DUmbass see the light and announce his conversion to communist-hating, trickle-down Reagan Republicanism, you would have near perfection. The conversion is the rare crowning glory of an exceptional bouncy.

Yeah, an anti-bouncy is actually a "zulu," where no conversion occurs.

Named for the zulu zucchini primitive, who has all these encounters but fails to come to a happy ending (i.e., conversion to primitivism).
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Offline Rebel

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #6 on: July 27, 2009, 06:31:17 PM »
Wait, you had your steak well done? Blasphemy!  :censored:



 :-)
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Offline jukin

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2009, 06:44:54 PM »
Well played.  Very well played.
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Offline GOBUCKS

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2009, 07:15:55 PM »
Quote from: Rebel on July 27, 2009, 06:31:17 PM
Wait, you had your steak well done? Blasphemy!  :censored:
 :-)
Wow. I don't know how I missed that. That's a one-bong penalty for ruining good meat.
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Offline BlueStateSaint

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2009, 08:00:29 PM »
Quote from: GOBUCKS on July 27, 2009, 05:17:37 PM
Very well done bouncy. Now, if you could only have the Fox-hating DUmbass see the light and announce his conversion to communist-hating, trickle-down Reagan Republicanism, you would have near perfection. The conversion is the rare crowning glory of an exceptional bouncy.

You're missing something here--the DUmbass would have to take a bath, too.
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Offline Chris_

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2009, 08:10:36 PM »
Quote from: GOBUCKS on July 27, 2009, 07:15:55 PM
Wow. I don't know how I missed that. That's a one-bong penalty for ruining good meat.


I had an dangerous encounter with a bovine once. Since then I like to make sure they're really dead.
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Offline BlueStateSaint

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2009, 03:53:07 AM »
Quote from: ChuckJ on July 27, 2009, 08:10:36 PM
I had an dangerous encounter with a bovine once. Since then I like to make sure they're really dead.

No more steak tartare, eh?
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"Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of Liberty." - Thomas Jefferson

"All you have to do is look straight and see the road, and when you see it, don't sit looking at it - walk!" -Ayn Rand
 
"Those that trust God with their safety must yet use proper means for their safety, otherwise they tempt Him, and do not trust Him.  God will provide, but so must we also." - Matthew Henry, Commentary on 2 Chronicles 32, from Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible

"These anti-gun fools are more dangerous to liberty than street criminals or foreign spies."--Theodore Haas, Dachau Survivor

Chase her.
Chase her even when she's yours.
That's the only way you'll be assured to never lose her.

Offline miskie

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Re: An anti-Bouncy
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2009, 08:48:14 AM »
Quote from: ChuckJ on July 27, 2009, 08:10:36 PM
I had an dangerous encounter with a bovine once. Since then I like to make sure they're really dead.

Perhaps, but its been my experience that once a bovine is reclassified as meat, it seldom recovers.
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