SACRAMENTO, CA — The state of California has officially outlawed speaking Spanish over the language's bigoted use of exclusively masculine or feminine nouns.
"The entire Spanish language is literally transphobic hate speech," explained Governor Gavin Newsom. "Hate has no home here."
According to sources, Governor Newsom discovered the Spanish language's use of gendered terminology when attempting to learn how to accuse his housekeeper of stealing his Airpods. "I was absolutely sickened to discover that the entire language is built around words being gendered as either male or female," said Mr. Newsom. "Not only did Juanita steal my Airpods, she insisted on speaking this intolerant language in my home! Adiós, Anita! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find a new Latinx housekeeper who will never speak Spanish in my presence."
The California government has dispatched troopers across the state to enforce the ban, starting with notorious offenders like Castillo's Mexican Restaurant. "Kitchens like these are hotbeds of transphobic hate speech," said officer Raymond Green as he monitored the cooks. "The worst part is, if you don't let them use Spanish, they won't even speak at all! Like, hello? There are other languages out there that aren't so transphobic! Oh man, I better not have heard someone just roll an 'r'! Was that you, Julio??"
San Francisco has reiterated that the city will still act as a sanctuary city for illegal immigrants, provided that they do not speak Spanish.
Nah, that can't BEE real, could it?
