08.
Systematic Chaos, once known officially as
Gentle Giant, also known as the gigantic primitive, the Vegas blimp primitive, and "Ege Bamyasi" off of Skins's island; a
les risibles primitive.
The gigantic primitive allows me to illustrate something about the nature of the laughter in the DUmpster.
Generally, most of the time, it is not good manners to make fun of fat people, especially
really fat people. Being really fat is punishment in itself.
On the contrary, it is usually a good idea to be supportive of, and assuring to, really fat people, and most especially those who are unhappy about being really fat, and bravely trying to do something about it. They deserve encouragement, not ridicule.
I give you, for example, the droopy drawers primitive on Skins's island, the "Tobin S." primitive, who with his positive attitude about himself, about other people, about the world in general, has been melting away bulk faster than butter evaporating under the Nebraska Sandhills sun in mid-summer.
The droopy drawers primitive has been quoted in the DUmpster before, but as far as I'm aware, comments about the droopy drawers primitive have ranged only from indifference to vigorous enthusiasm, no ridicule or mockery at all.
The gigantic primitive however is a different story.
God gave each of us judgement, to evaluate people and things. When seeing someone in distress, it is useful to try and determine how much of that wretchedness and misery is self-imposed, and how much is due to external forces.
In the case of the droopy drawers primitive, the droopy drawers primitive seems to have long ago recognized that much of his own problem is his own fault, and appears determined to address those things he can change. One can't change external forces--other people, genetics, past experiences--but one can change oneself.
The gigantic primitive however is a different story.
Using my own God-given judgement and evaluation, it appears to me that the gigantic primitive is 91.874% to blame for his own monstrous obesity, all the rest possibly being other people, genetics, past experiences, and George Bush. Well, the gigantic primitive can't do a damned thing about this other stuff, and needs to work on the rest of the problem, 91.874% of the problem, himself.
But the gigantic primitive won't; he acts as if 8.126% of a problem is bigger than 91.874% of the same problem; it's just so much easier to blame the maternal ancestress, the roomie Joe, George Bush, Republicans in general, casino operators, and physicians and nurses.
Did I mention that I had a less-than-stellar childhood and that nearly every woman I had developed a crush on up to that point in my life (going back to the age of 13 and I promise to tell that story someday) not just rejected me, but did so in some form of cruel fashion? So no, my self esteem just didn't seem to warrant a decision as proper and intelligent as learning to go veg.
However, a few years later I was wandering around in the book store wanting to learn to eat better than constant fast food and there was the yellow, trade paperback version of "The McDougall Plan" staring me right in the eye! I bought it right then and there that day in about 1993, took it home and read it cover to cover, shuddering at everything I had learned about how food was driving me to an early grave. So, from somewhere in the high 300s I managed to get back down to just over 300 when severe depression and loss of self-confidence caused me to slowly quit. I piled everything I'd lost back on and then some, and I ended up dealing blackjack in a small Nevada town about 65 miles from Las Vegas, just as fat, sick and out of shape as ever.
In 2002, the landscape of my life looked something like this: I had just come in to my apartment, home early from work, one day to force my oldest brother to leave due to some horrible actions on his part (keep in mind that for years I thought of him as a surrogate father after our father died when I was 6, so feeling the need to sever ties with him even temporarily was painful beyond belief).
That left my mother, who I allowed to stay with me because otherwise she would have chosen to spend her entire Social Security check on gambling and cigarettes and who would have otherwise lived in shelters rather than properly taking care of herself.
I had been working for over two years at the same casino on the Las Vegas Strip as a card/dice/roulette dealer, and one of the bosses "had it in for me". According to him, I was "this close" to being terminated for infractions which were blown completely out of proportion when he suddenly quit. After that, I remained with the same establishment for another 4 years and never got a single write-up or mark on my record. Go figure. And finally, my "dating" experiences were more and more starting to resemble the plot of a Stephen King novel and that alone can depress most people.
Needless to say, I was piling on weight left and right and actually trying to punish myself in any way possible with a SAD diet of almost solid junk food, fast food and pizza. I wanted the toxic influences out of my life, but how does one throw their own mother out into the street when they're in their 70s and call it "tough love"? So, I chose instead to collect about 30% of her income as "rent", stayed out of her business otherwise, and just tried to cope with a house full of second-hand smoke every time I came home.
Despite many attempts, due to my appearance (weight) and lack of "credit-worthiness", I couldn't escape one of the lowest paying dealing jobs in Las Vegas for something like the Hard Rock Hotel, the Venetian or Caesar's Palace. I got fed up with feeling like a constant victim of everything and started getting proactive. I bought a recumbent exercise bike and began using it almost daily (but still eating SAD... just trying to not be as out of control), and also found a decent car I could buy rather than trying to live my life by bus.
And then ooops, like Wild Bill finding Grandma:
Two other things happened as well, at nearly the same time. First, I put an ad out on match.com and laid all my cards on the table. I was as honest as it was humanly possible to be about where I was in life and just stated that I only wanted an end to the loneliness and mind games. The same day I expanded my search out to 300 miles to include cities like San Diego and Phoenix was the day my wife (who lived in Tempe, a suburb of Phoenix) also placed her ad.
I can't to this day put into words just how much her ad spoke to me like nothing else I had ever read. Basically, she was just asking for a good friend and confidant, and maybe a chance not to have to become her neighborhood's "crazy cat lady" in another 40 years. You will start to see a theme here with dates, I think: I first corresponded online with her on July 8, 2002. I planned my first road trip to Phoenix to meet her for my days off over August 8.
The other thing that happened just before August 8 is that both of my legs (which had been swelling and had me scared to pieces) literally burst open from the amount of fluid retained in them. I was coming home from work after standing 5 1/2 + hours every day on my feet with socks as wet as if I'd been dancing in rain puddles for fun. I went where I always did when I had a problem at that time -- to my HMO's "Quick Care".
This was only a couple of nights before I was due to leave for Phoenix, and all I could think was that there was no way this young lady who was waiting for me was going to want me now. I will never forget that night in the Quick Care room, calling Jeanette on the verge of breaking down and bawling, and trying to explain what was going on with me, while waiting for the doctor to come back with prescriptions and treatment advice for my first ulcers. After explaining everything to her she told me not to worry about it and to still plan on coming down to Phoenix if at all possible.
That was my first inkling, at the age of 33, of what it was like to talk to a woman who was honest and sincere, and who had a good heart. On June 8, 2003, we were married in the Clark County Courthouse's small wedding room, alone. I did not invite my mother to attend. She would end up passing away of metastasized cancer of the lungs, ovaries and uterus on October 8, 2003, at the age of 74. Don't get me wrong, there are some few things about her that I miss, but she really did help ensure that my formative years would be... adventurous.
http://drmcdougall.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=11960&sid=03b2c4f319bf74bc316503fd9f7d0907The above link's to those items quoted above, and to all the antics of the gigantic primitive since he left--the gigantic primitive wasn't banned, and swims back there every so often--Skins's island.
More background, from 2005:http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,28090.0/http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,28357.0/The gigantic primitive plans for 2009:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,20614.0/The gigantic primitive okay:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,22934.0/The gigantic primitive misses birthday dinner:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,26675.0/The gigantic primitive decides he might leave Skins's island:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,27622.0/The gigantic primitive reads franksolich:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,30113.0/The gigantic primitive suggests a diet:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,30966.0/The gigantic primitive down to 475:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,31460.0/The gigantic primitive has trouble with chafing:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,32007.0/The gigantic primitive down to 440:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,34717.0/The gigantic primitive orders new slippers:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,34977.0/The gigantic primitive gets new slippers:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,35414.0/The gigantic primitive has an authentic cold:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,35715.0/The gigantic primitive gets down to 433:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,35950.0/The gigantic primitive harassed by bill-collectors:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,36178.0/The gigantic primitive back on plan:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,36836.0/The gigantic primitive plans Thanksgiving:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,37027.0/The gigantic primitive has a wet Thanksgiving:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,37115.0/The gigantic primitive spinning his wheels:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,37269.0/The gigantic primitive trying to be honest:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,37333.0/The gigantic primitive's wife is upset, out of sorts:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,37484.0/The gigantic primitive mounts a stationary bicycle (photograph, too):
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,38018.0/The gigantic primitive down to 438:
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,38266.0/
