MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — In the wake of the arrival of scores of migrants on the island, Barack & Michelle Obama gave orders to their staff to immediately begin construction of new cages to house the influx of foreign nationals at their luxurious Matha's Vineyard estate.
"It's a tried and true method that we've had success with in the past," President Obama was overheard telling the construction crew. "We want to make these incoming migrants feel just as welcome as the hundreds of thousands of migrants crossing the southern border, which means they will be kept in cages built by me, obviously."
Though the wealthy Martha's Vineyard population seemed troubled to suddenly have to deal with the type of problems normally reserved for the common folk of the United States, the Obamas welcomed the opportunity to have more cheap labor around their palatial grounds. "It's so hard to find good help these days," Michelle Obama sighed during her morning inspection of the landscaping. "Having a regular influx of house servants may actually work in our favor."
Some of the Obama staff privately expressed security concerns about the incoming migrants, but the former president put them at ease by reminding them that he can order a deadly drone strike at any moment.
At publishing time, other Martha's Vineyard residents who heard about the construction of the cages were already raising questions about potential human rights violations and preemptively placing the blame for the cages squarely on the shoulders of Donald Trump.
Could there BEE cages on The Vineyard?Martha's Vineyard Resident Calls Police To Report A Hispanic In The Neighborhood Not Operating A Leaf Blower
MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — Residents of upscale Martha's Vineyard are in a panic after several buses dropped off illegal immigrants from Florida this week. One terrified resident reportedly called the authorities after seeing Hispanic males outside her home, not even operating a leaf blower or any other kind of gardening equipment.
"Hello, is this 911? Yes, there are brown-looking Latinx people outside my 20,000-square-foot seaside home, and they aren't even carrying leaf blowers," said a terrified Mavis McWhite to the dispatcher. "They aren't even holding so much as a rake. They're up to no good. I'm scared! Please send help!"
Early reports from one of the wealthiest zip codes on earth indicate that approximately 50 people from countries south of the equator are striking fear in the hearts of local oligarchs, movie stars, and millionaire politicians who reside there. "It was so inconsiderate for DeSantis to ship these dark-skinned people up to our neighborhood without the tools they need to maintain our multimillion-dollar properties," said Town Councilmember Pam Karen-Cindy. "What else are they going to do all day? Just despicable."
At publishing time, the Hispanic immigrants who currently work as landscapers and house servants in Martha's Vineyard for minimum wage had organized a demonstration to protest the arrival of new Hispanic immigrants who will work for even cheaper.
After Dealing With Martha's Vineyard HOA, Migrants Decide To Go Back And Take Their Chances With The Cartels
MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — After two days of dealing with the insufferable busybodies at the Martha's Vinyard Home Owners Association, illegal immigrants have decided to go back home and take their chances with the cartels.
"Man, the cartels are bad where I come from, but this is a whole other level," said immigrant Juan Ramirez as he climbed back on the unmarked charter bus. "How do you people live like this? You have to pay $1000 per month for a team of white ladies named 'Karen' to come to inspect your hedges and whine when you don't do them right? This is hell on earth!"
The rest of the group reportedly agreed, and immediately boarded a taxpayer-funded charter bus for Guadalajara.
"I feel betrayed by Governor Ron DeSantis," said another unfortunate migrant, speaking through a translator. "He told me there would be jobs and housing up here, but instead I found a den swarming with uppity white liberals and wealthy career criminals. This is so inhumane."
At publishing time, the migrant retreat was stopped as Michelle Obama had flagged down the buses and escorted them to the newly built cages on her property.
