Author Topic: General humor thread  (Read 96091 times)

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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2009, 05:16:16 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #26 on: November 13, 2009, 10:25:51 AM »
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Offline IassaFTots

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #27 on: November 13, 2009, 11:05:04 AM »
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
:thatsright:
R.I.P. LC and Crockspot.  Miss you guys.

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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #28 on: November 13, 2009, 11:13:37 AM »

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #29 on: November 13, 2009, 11:18:26 AM »
There was an uprising in the quiet African village of Mubutu.  The chief's brother, anxious to be chief himself, cut a hole in the back of the chief's grass hut and stole his throne, because the tradition held that whoever sat in the chief's throne was chief.  He was too noisy about his theft though, and he and his henchmen had to run as fast as they could back to his own hut, carrying the throne with them as the chief's guards searched the village for the culprits.  Hearing the guards closing in on his hut, the chief's brother decided that he should hide the throne in the rafters of his hut until the chief's guards had finished looking, then he could take his place on the throne and finally be chief himself.  His henchmen grunted and pushed, and finally got the heavy throne up out of sight in the rafters just as the chief's guards came storming in, demanding to know what they had done with the chief's throne.  The chief's brother denied any knowledge of the heinous crime, and invited the guards to search his hut, which they did.  Satisfied that the throne was not here, the guards were about to leave, when the rafters of the hut gave way, and the throne came crashing down on the chief's brother and his henchmen, killing them all.

 Moral of the story:  People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #30 on: November 13, 2009, 11:21:19 AM »

Offline littlelamb

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #31 on: November 13, 2009, 01:21:22 PM »
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #32 on: November 13, 2009, 04:26:56 PM »

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #33 on: November 13, 2009, 04:52:50 PM »


And bandages.  Lots and lots of bandages.
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #34 on: November 13, 2009, 06:33:21 PM »
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

Offline IassaFTots

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #35 on: November 13, 2009, 09:12:39 PM »
 :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
R.I.P. LC and Crockspot.  Miss you guys.

The infinite is possible at zombocom.  www.zombo.com

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~ Martin Luther King
 
“Political Correctness is about turning a blind eye to painful reality because your comfortable feelings are more important to you than saving lives and providing quality of life to people who work their ass off to be productive and are a benefit to this great American Dream"  ~Ted Nugent

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #36 on: November 15, 2009, 11:39:25 AM »
A Zebra died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. As he entered, he asked St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled.. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'"
« Last Edit: November 17, 2009, 10:47:11 AM by Golem »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #37 on: November 16, 2009, 12:15:26 PM »
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, "OK. My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

No, the boy said, "He actually plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class."
« Last Edit: November 17, 2009, 10:47:25 AM by Golem »

Offline IassaFTots

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #38 on: November 16, 2009, 12:33:26 PM »
 :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
R.I.P. LC and Crockspot.  Miss you guys.

The infinite is possible at zombocom.  www.zombo.com

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~ Martin Luther King
 
“Political Correctness is about turning a blind eye to painful reality because your comfortable feelings are more important to you than saving lives and providing quality of life to people who work their ass off to be productive and are a benefit to this great American Dream"  ~Ted Nugent

Offline IassaFTots

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #39 on: November 17, 2009, 04:16:44 PM »
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.


Thank you
R.I.P. LC and Crockspot.  Miss you guys.

The infinite is possible at zombocom.  www.zombo.com

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~ Martin Luther King
 
“Political Correctness is about turning a blind eye to painful reality because your comfortable feelings are more important to you than saving lives and providing quality of life to people who work their ass off to be productive and are a benefit to this great American Dream"  ~Ted Nugent

Offline thundley4

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #40 on: November 17, 2009, 04:28:02 PM »
Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.


Thank you
:evillaugh:

Offline Chris

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #41 on: November 17, 2009, 08:54:10 PM »
Tough Guys...

This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.

Offline DixieBelle

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #42 on: November 17, 2009, 09:47:51 PM »
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

:rofl:

Sounds like something Undies would say.
I can see November 2 from my house!!!

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No, my friends, there’s only one really progressive idea. And that is the idea of legally limiting the power of the government. That one genuinely liberal, genuinely progressive idea — the Why in 1776, the How in 1787 — is what needs to be conserved. We need to conserve that fundamentally liberal idea. That is why we are conservatives. --Bill Whittle

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #43 on: November 18, 2009, 02:29:02 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #44 on: November 18, 2009, 02:34:36 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #45 on: November 18, 2009, 04:52:17 PM »

Offline vesta111

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #46 on: November 19, 2009, 05:27:52 AM »
Drunkest Guy Ever Blaster Battle

That was not funny Golem, not one bit.

That there happens to be my grand baby in that video who was NOT drunk.  He is a good Baptist and does not drink, smoke or swear.

I can explain everything in that video------First the boy had ashma as a little tyke, it most likely came back.  The boy was trying to breath right.

He was kicked in the head when he was milking the goat back a spell ago.  He has problems with balance since then, I myself have seen him fall out his truck a few times.

We have been telling him he needs glasses since he was 16 and mistook soda for those spirits he mistakenly brought home.

You got to look close at that video to see what we as family are a seeing.

Poor Billy Bob must of taken a spell of feeling ill, stopped for a soda with sugar and not wanting to disgrace himself  by   telling the clerk he had a problem,  decided to get some soda by himself.     His balance was off as usual and he because of eye problems grabbed what he thought was root beer.

Poor boy, here as anyone can see Billy Bob had a health problem, trying to breath and stand up was almost impossible.  Those crazy store owners should have called for medical attention, not a couple of Goons that threw him out on the street to possibly die from Ashma.

OK Smarty Pants, we the family are going to SUE the owner of that store for every cent he has.  Our Billy Bob lay in a ditch until his cousin the Counties Sheriff arrived to save his life.

Teach those damn Arab store owners not to mess with us good Christian Churchgoer folk.









Offline thundley4

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #47 on: November 19, 2009, 10:49:36 AM »
I got Your Momma.

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner..
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.
 
'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker.  She had gotten into trouble at school and at home..  Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.  Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter..
 

________________________________ LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday..  I want a red one.  Your friend, Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
 
________________________________ LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol.  I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday..  Thank you, Carol
 
Carol knew this wasn't true either.  She tore up the letter and started again.
 
________________________________ LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year.  I am very sorry.  I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday..  Thank you, Carol
 
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike.  By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church.  Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
 
'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.
 Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar.  She looked around to see if anyone was there.  She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room.  She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
 
________________________________ LETTER 4:
 
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
 
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
 
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #48 on: November 19, 2009, 11:58:25 AM »
We Love Russia!!

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4eFcSiNf_w[/youtube]

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #49 on: November 21, 2009, 10:16:30 AM »
The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.