PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a speech tonight, Joe Biden condemned fascism and extremism while also debuting a delightful little mustachioed look.
Reporters oohed and aahed over his fashionable new facial hair look as the president ranted about people he disagrees with needing to be condemned as terrorists in order to fight fascism.
"It's a good look for him," said an Entertainment Tonight reporter on the red carpet. "I know they say don't wear that kind of mustache before Labor Day, but I really think he pulls that off. It's kind of a classic look - vaguely European, perhaps 1930s or '40s Germanic, maybe? - really inspired."
"The one who owns the youth gains the future!" shouted Biden, pounding on his towering lectern as he stood before giant banners lit up in blood red. "To conquer a nation, you must first disarm its citizens!" He got really worked up here, screaming and holding his arm at a 45-degree angle to the sky. Finally, he concluded his speech by defending democracy and condemning fascism with the powerful line, "We must employ the final solution to exterminate those vermin who would oppose our glorious third Republic!"
Those gathered cheered with thunderous applause.
BEEing FascistBiden Opens Camps In Which To Concentrate Political Dissidents And Other UndesirablesBERLIN — In a unifying speech last night, President Joe Biden announced new measures against groups that threaten the nation's foundations. Biden explained that effective immediately, all unwanted groups will be moved to camps. The camps are being constructed to isolate these threats to democracy from the broader citizenry, as well as provide them with opportunity for re-education through labor. "We are determined to stamp out violent extremism to preserve democracy." Biden spoke from a podium, flanked by two Special Soldiers as he stood in front of an imposing red color scheme. "Anyone who stands against the rule of law will be exterminated without regard to previous citizenship status – those whom we forced to wear special markings for the last several months have been identified as threats, and we are treating them as such. We must preserve the fabric of our nation from these vermin."
Biden Announces New Program For Patriotic Youngsters 'Biden Youth'BERLIN — Biden has announced a new program for youngsters called Biden Youth. The program is designed to remove kids from their parent's influence and to instill the unifying core beliefs of Biden Reich while the children are at their most impressionable ages. Biden fervently stated that the nuclear family is yet another obstacle we must overcome if we are to mold and groom the children into what they must become in the ongoing war against dangerous undesirables. Biden Youth will host activities such as summer camps, camping trips, and weapons training all while having the boys cite slogans and learn the core tenets of national socialism. The President is hopeful that his youth program will produce obedient, fanatical soldiers with an almost religious devotion to himself as Führer.
Biden Announces Strategic Alliance With Mussolini And Emperor HirohitoBERLIN — Biden announced last evening the signing of the Tripartite Pact, a military alliance that solidifies the union of our nation's military with those of Benito Mussolini's Italian forces and Emperor Hirohito's Empire of Japan. "We will be a great axis of nations," Biden said as he pounded on his lectern during his announcement of the signing of the pact. "Together we shall be unstoppable. The stronger must dominate and not mate with the weaker, which would signify the sacrifice of its own higher nature. Only the born weakling can look upon this principle as cruel, and if he does so it is merely because he is of a feebler nature and narrower mind; for if such a law did not direct the process of evolution, then the higher development of organic life would not be conceivable at all." Mussolini and Hirohito have distanced themselves from Biden's "extremist and inflammatory" comments.
France Surrenders To BidenPARIS — France surrendered to Biden Friday after a brutal battle that lasted minutes. While there was little resistance to the Biden regime, not all French leaders were eager to sign an armistice with Biden. French General Charles de Gaulle took to the radio to urge French citizens to continue the fight against Biden no matter the cost unless it was dinner time or the weather looked iffy. In response to de Gaulle's call to arms, French Prime Minister and war hero Henri Petain did the Frenchiest thing possible and immediately surrendered to Biden. While the majority of France has now been overrun with Biden's blue-haired, skirt-twirling soldiers, rumors are spreading of an underground network of French resistance fighters who use guerilla tactics to fight the Biden regime with their baguettes, berets, and other thoroughly French objects.
