Dirty, Nasty, and Disgusting Things Nurses force you to do!!!

[OkieJohn]

Dirty, Nasty, and Disgusting Things Nurses force you to do!!!

We all know one, Those beacons of hope and inspiration, Those pillars of society, nah... the givers of life itself, nurses.  We all have a dark side.  Here is some of their's.

Peeing in a bottle.

Now let's get this straight. Guys don't pee in things.  We pee on things.  In all these years, the only thing I have ever peed in was my pants, and there was some really serious alcohol going on there.

No, we guys pee on things. For thousands of years we would start at the front door and pee on everything, out to the street and back.  We hit every rock and bush and animal and object in our way.  It’s what we use instead of curb numbers

The reason guys don’t ask for directions is because we can’t admit we lost the scent.

Now I have peed on everything. I have peed on all seven continents.  Not at the same time of course.  I have peed on four states at one time though.  No small feat what with all those tourists around.

HERE Pee in this bottle.

Well now Little Missy.  Have you got one with about a six foot handle? Kind of like a rake. I’m not use to working up close like that.  Might just blow the bottom right out of that piece of glass there.  And I need a wide mouth jar what with all these drugs your giving me.  Sure, I can write my name in the snow, but not when I am under the influence.  Just not use to pinpoint accuracy you know.

“JUST PEE in this bottle, and for the next 24 hours, pour it into this bottle and please keep it on ice,” said the nurse. 

Now every guy here knows, “ we don’t save pee.”  In fact we freely give it away every where we go. Now unless there is a new method for extracting gold, we are probably going to continue with our liquid generosity.

HERE TAKE THIS.

Nothing sends chills down the spine, quite like a nurse with a concoction of 17 hazardous chemicals
blended in with some secret herbs and spices in a Route 44 size cup, quite like the words, “here drink this.”

Now you can bet your family fortune, this is not going to taste like a fine French port.

This stuff damages tastes buds and stem cells, for a week.  And there never is a smell.  Nah, these mixtures from S
atan’s spice garden, never ever have the slightest hint of an odoriferous timber .

You see Nature uses smell to warn Human beings anytime their life may be in danger, or when we should not put something in our mouths.

Take for instance, when you see a big pile of crap laying in the floor.  Now the minute you get within 10 feet, your nose just automatically causes your mouth to slam shut, and your brain says, “This is not fit for human consumption.”

Nurses train for years in order to help mankind to over come these basic tendencies.

You know,   we can make soy beans and seaweed taste like Lobster, but science just doesn’t seem to be able to improve the taste of medicine up to the level of cow dung.

THE NUNS HAT


.The ingenious device for those of you who are unfamiliar with scientific medical terms and Latin, is a poop catcher.

Now I know most of you are asking, “why would you want to catch poop?”

Well most normal people wouldn’t, but to People of the medical persuasion, It appears to rate right up there with Olympic class spear chucking. It seems like every time things get a little boring, here comes the old poop catcher.

Now a Nun’s hat is a device which sits on top of a commode and catches anything that happens to fall out of a persons butt.  It looks just like the hat the “flying nun” wore.  You know, with those little wings.

Should that blessed event occur, a well oiled medical staff, springs into action with all the speed and precision of a Canadian Ice Road Trucker.

I have had several bouts with a nun’s hat, and no one ever said what a great job I did.
.
LET ME Look at that bandage.

Now I have had Heart surgery, Cancer surgery, Kidney removed,  a hernia repaired and two tublar adenoma with high-grade dysplasia removed from the old chute.

In all that time, I never had a nurse ask to see my bandage, until I had a stint placed in my neck. For those who haven’t had this exciting procedure, yet, They grab an artery in you lower abdomen, way lower.  In fact, it runs right by the old sex tube.  Yep, only 1/4 inch away.

After they place the stint, they use a couple of stitches to close the gap, and apply a pressure bandage.  Now this type of bandage holds great interest to the nurse for some reason.  I say that because every nurse in the hospital comes by to check it out.  Sometimes they come in groups of three or four.  Of course they always have to grab the family joy stick and fly it out of the way.  The piloting is always accompanied with lots of giggles and snickering.  I just don’t understand, what is so funny about a pressure bandage.

Sometimes a male nurse shows up, but I always refuse that treatment.
                           

[jtyangel]

You guys think you can't pee in things? Try being a girl and trying to aim into a cup

[SilverOrchid]

You guys think you can't pee in things? Try being a girl and trying to aim into a cup

WITH A BIG PREGENT BELLY IN YOUR WAY!!! 

[jtyangel]

You guys think you can't pee in things? Try being a girl and trying to aim into a cup

WITH A BIG PREGENT BELLY IN YOUR WAY!!! 

Wait until you are having #2, sweetie...everything has kind of shifted a bit down there and you got the big belly. I swear I think they have two way glass there and laugh at watching women attempt this...especially when they are about 9 months preggers and have to do it weekly

[Splashdown]

And I'm lucky enough to be married to one!

Get two or more together. Their conversations could make a maggot puke.

[jtyangel]

And I'm lucky enough to be married to one!

Get two or more together. Their conversations could make a maggot puke.

It's the multi-tasking thing..one minute a gal can be totally alluring and the next be talking about things that send the menfolk running for the remote.

Pregnancy discussions you all have to live with since you helped create the condition that led to the altered state of being.

[Chris_]

Oh shit, OkieJohn.  I think you opened up the wrong can of worms.

I have some stories, but I've already shared most of them.

[NHSparky]

Nah, I got ya'll beat.

Try being on "Vitamin M" (that's morphine for you uninitiated) after having a foot of your colon removed and 36 staples in your gut, being told you need to clean the catheter going into your dick before they'll take you down to X-Ray to make sure your bladder isn't also leaking so they'll take the tube out of your crank so you can pee for the first time in a week.

Oh, did I mention how much fun it is to have diverticulitis when your colon fistulas into your bladder?

[OkieJohn]

Oh shit, OkieJohn.  I think you opened up the wrong can of worms.

I have some stories, but I've already shared most of them.

Naw, they know we love them.  They also know we can't handle it when they talk shop.

[Chris_]

Last time I had a catheter, they pointed to a line on the wizz bottle and said "if you can't fill it up to here, we'll have to put it back in." 

[Chris_]

"Vitamin M"

Last time I had morphine, I lost my spaghetti dinner.  

Now I ask for Demerol.

[NHSparky]

"Vitamin M"

Last time I had morphine, I lost my spaghetti dinner.  

Now I ask for Demerol.

Try not eating or drinking for 10 days.  That's a shitload of fun.  Ice chips were even forbidden for the first three days.

Oh, did I mention I signed escrow paperwork for my first house in the hospital the day they took me off morphine?  That was a ****in hoot.

[Chris_]

That's bad. 

What's escrow?  Is that like a lien?

[ToastedRachel]

WITH A BIG PREGENT BELLY IN YOUR WAY!!! 

The worst thing I ever had to do was use a portapotty when I was 9 months. I was at a corn maze. 

[Lord Undies]

The last time I had surgery it involved my penis.  It was a day surgery situation.  The staff was not going to release me until I peed.  They wouldn't let me out of bed to go pee.  I stood up on the bed and peed into a bedpan.  They released my shortly after. 

[ToastedRachel]

The last time I had surgery it involved my penis.  It was a day surgery situation.  The staff was not going to release me until I peed.  They wouldn't let me out of bed to go pee.  I stood up on the bed and peed into a bedpan.  They released my shortly after. 

I knew you had the enlargement surgery. I wasn't buying the "this is natural baby" bullshit. 

[Lord Undies]

The last time I had surgery it involved my penis.  It was a day surgery situation.  The staff was not going to release me until I peed.  They wouldn't let me out of bed to go pee.  I stood up on the bed and peed into a bedpan.  They released my shortly after. 

I knew you had the enlargement surgery. I wasn't buying the "this is natural baby" bullshit. 

Actually, I had a frozen section done because my doctor had found what he though was melanoma on the outside of the drawbag I use to carry around the boys.   It was a scary 24 hours between the discovery, the surgery, the all-clear, and getting back home.  This was in 1988.

[ToastedRachel]

Actually, I had a frozen section done because my doctor had found what he though was melanoma on the outside of the drawbag I use to carry around the boys.   It was a scary 24 hours between the discovery, the surgery, the all-clear, and getting back home.  This was in 1988.

You shouldn't suntan naked so much, dear. Glad to hear your unit is OK!