Pearl Harbor: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jun 4th, 2001 | Movie Rating: This entry has a rating of 1.5
FADE IN:
INT. FILM STUDIO
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY and PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER are collaborating on their latest effort, “The Explosionâ€, and begin talking.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Hey Jerry, you know how I like blowing stuff up? Well I was thinking, we should make a really patriotic movie like Armageddon, but at Pearl Harbor. We can blow up a lot of stuff.
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Sounds like a good idea to me, Mike, but how will we ever make a whole movie out of a single bombing?
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Hmm. Oh, we could add a completely extraneous and overdramatic love story! And I bet we could even make this monstrosity over three hours long!
PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER
Brilliant! It’ll cost more than the war itself! Ha ha ha!
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Mwa Ha ha ha ha!
INT. MILITARY TRAINING
BEN AFFLECK and JOSH HARTNETT are reading CLASSIC AMERICAN LITERATURE.
BEN AFFLECK
I sure am enjoying my life as an American. America is great and full of great things, such as Americans.
JOSH HARTNETT
Da.
BEN AFFLECK
I am in love with Kate Beckinsale.
JOSH HARTNETT
She pretty.
BEN AFFLECK
Unfortunately, I am also in love with my country. I must go fight with the British. Goodbye Josh. Goodbye Kate. Kate, I won’t have sex with you, because that will make all the women in the audience want me even more. Later.
BEN AFFLECK DIES.
JOSH HARTNETT
Now chance! Kate mine!
KATE BECKINSALE
I don’t think I should get together with you.
KATE’S FRIENDS
Then let us provide much dialogue to justify it. This way, you won’t be hated. You should move on.
KATE BECKINSALE
That’s true. After all, Ben is dead.
KATE’S FRIENDS
Oh, I doubt that. But he is..well, such a weenie. Have you noticed he cries in almost every movie he does? You can do better.
They notice JOSH HARTNETT picking bugs out of his hair and eating them.
KATE’S FRIENDS
Well, you can at least do differently.
JOSH’S FRIENDS
Let’s also provide justification so you won’t be hated. It’ll make your death more dramatic.
JOSH HARTNETT
Josh death?
KATE BECKINSALE
Quiet. I love you.
JOSH HARTNETT
Me laid!
INT. EVIL JAPANESE BASE OF EVIL
The JAPANESE MILITARY is planning something…EVIL.
JAPANESE LEADER
We must attack the Americans when they are sleeping and defenseless. Let’s kick them in their collective balls and then pull their hair.
GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT
Hey! I don’t believe it! A war movie where we’re the enemies and we aren’t faceless villains! Look at this! We have scenes, lines, faces! This is great! We have personalities!
JAPANESE LEADER
Yeah, personalities of pure evil.
GUY FROM MORTAL KOMBAT
Hmm. Good point. Let’s express one line of regret. I wish we didn’t have to kill as many people as possible in a horribly dastardly way.
JAPANESE LEADER
Good work.
They plan their attack by wading around in small pools that have little plastic boats all around. This is ****ING RIDICULOUS.
INT. PEARL HARBOR
BEN AFFLECK RETURNS
BEN AFFLECK
Hey, I’m back. And I expect everything to be exactly the same as when I left. Everything is the same, right?
KATE BECKINSALE
Er, well, uh..
BEN AFFLECK
Gahh! My honor has ruined my life! I hate you, Josh Hartnett!
(cries)
He slugs Josh in the face unexpectedly, much like the JAPANESE MILITARY will do to AMERICANS the next day.
JOSH HARTNETT
Pain! Josh mad! JOSH SMASH!!!
They fight! Then they finish fighting.
BEN AFFLECK
Through our battle, we have discovered that we can coexist peacefully. Perhaps temporary violence truly is the answer. If we can resolve our differences, maybe there is hope for the world.
JOSH HARTNETT
Actually, me still want bone Kate.
EXT. VARIOUS OUTDOOR SCENES
The JAPANESE MILITARY flies to PEARL HARBOR, passing by CHILDREN INNOCENTLY PLAYING STICKBALL, a COUPLE INNOCENTLY WATCHING THE SUN RISE, and an INNOCENT MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BEING INNOCENT TOGETHER.
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
Almost there.. almost there…
INT. MILITARY INTELLIGENCE
DAN AYKROYD
Hello, I am a codebreaker. We can’t decode quickly enough to provide full evidence of the attack, so it’s really no American’s fault that Pearl Harbor is bombed.
JON VOIGHT
So, we’re totally innocent here, right?
DAN AYKROYD
It appears that way, Mr. President.
(pause)
What the hell happened to me?
EXT. PEARL HARBOR
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY
It’s here!!!!
DIRECTOR MICHAEL BAY begins headbanging to “One Step Closer†by Linkin Park
Stuff gets BOMBED. Things EXPLODE. People gather around places and those places are BOMBED and they EXPLODE. LOUD BULLETS whiz by, hitting people, whose body parts EXPLODE. EXPLOSIONS ABOUND!
AUDIENCE
HELL YES! This is ****ing badass! Wait, this is semi-historical. This actually happened, and I almost didn’t realize it because of the incompetent direction of Action Director Michael Bay.
BEN AFFLECK
Get me in a plane.
JOSH HARTNETT
Get plane!
More EXPLOSIONS.
CUBA GOODING JR. says his second line and shoots a plane down.
CUBA GOODING JR.
I am not an afterthought. I was in the script from the beginning. I promise.
Eventually, BEN and JOSH get into planes. They take down 8 Japanese fighters!
ALEC BALDWIN
If only we had gotten Ben and Josh to a plane sooner. They could have won the war for us. Anyway, we’re planning a special top-secret mission. We want you. Hey, does anyone know when I adopted this horribly over-the-top acting style?
BEN AFFLECK
I’m fully willing to do whatever my country asks of me. Any way I can help to win this war for our country.
JOSH HARTNETT
Josh do war! Josh do war!
ALEC BALDWIN
Great. I can’t wait till we drop the atom bomb on them.
BEN AFFLECK
General, that’s not for quite some time.
ALEC BALDWIN
Oh, really? I better tell Michael Bay, he had his heart set on an atom bomb sequence. Oh well, I’ll see you soon. Now go talk to Kate Beckinsale.
INT. PEARL HARBOR
KATE BECKINSALE
As a female character in a Michael Bay movie, I can only exist in three states: In Love, Sad but Proud, and Confused. I’m the third one right now.
BEN AFFLECK
Because you don’t know who you love?
KATE BECKINSALE
Actually, it’s because I don’t know what I’m doing in such a paint-by-the-numbers film. I’ve won awards.
BEN AFFLECK
So have I.
KATE BECKINSALE
But I actually deserved mine. Anyway, I have a problem. You see, I still love you, Ben… but I’m pregnant with Josh’s child.
BEN AFFLECK
Oh god. God, no! Josh Hartnett is…is… breeding!! NOOOOOO!
(cries)
KATE BECKINSALE
Yes. So while I love you, I must force myself to love him more. You’ll always have a special place in my heart, Ben. But Josh will always have a special place in my pants. Plus, I flipped a coin.
BEN AFFLECK
Well, damn.
(walking away)
Oh well, I gotta go to war. Bye.
KATE BECKINSALE
Ben? If you could see to it that one of you two dies out there, it will make my life a lot easier.
EXT. TOKYO
They BOMB Japan. The explosions aren’t as big and we don’t zoom in on actual people being killed. This is because we are not EVIL, merely VENGEFUL, and MORALLY CORRECT.
BEN AFFLECK
(crying)
Alright! We have achieved a small victory!
ALEC BALDWIN
It appears that we’re out of fuel and must crash-land on enemy soil.
They do so. There is a small gunfight. BEN sacrifices himself for JOSH. JOSH then sacrifices himself for BEN. BEN sacrifices himself for JOSH again. JOSH sacrifices himself for BEN once more. JOSH DIES.
JOSH HARTNETT
Josh… dying.
BEN AFFLECK
(crying)
I suppose this is as good a time as any to tell you that you’re a father.
JOSH HARTNETT
Josh father? Josh thought Josh impotent. Josh hooked on steroid. No matter. Josh dead.
BEN AFFLECK
Josh? Josh? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(pause)
Okay, well, Kate’s mine then.
EXT. BACK IN AMERICA
BEN RETURNS.
KATE BECKINSALE
(quietly to self)
..You love Josh. Not Ben. You love Josh. Not Ben. You love Josh. Not Ben.. You..
BEN AFFLECK
I’m back. Josh is dead.
KATE BECKINSALE
Problem solved. Let’s buy a farm and grow old together and raise little.. little… hmm, what should we call him?
BEN AFFLECK
Let’s name him after the man whose brave actions led to our eternal love and happiness.. I think the guy who shot Josh was named Noriaki Sato.
KATE BECKINSALE
Perfect!
END
