How not to become a desperate housewife

[Lauri]

ok, i once drove thru the area with my friend on my way from Dallas back to Seattle after my dad's funeral...

even if i hadnt looked like hell from crying .. we didnt even stay near the strip. or the hookers.

so, no deal for me. 

[EastFacingNorth]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I'm not really sure what to think of the husband to be honest, because I lack the pertient information.

Was he suffering from a decreased sex drive due to medical issues?  Not necessarily illness either; a new medication, major stress, even just getting old could do that.

Maybe he didn't become disinterested in sex, but only in sex with her.  I know that if I were to catch my (future) wife sleeping around, I sure as hell wouldn't be interested in being intimate with her EVER again.

But assuming he just plain lost interest in sex... well, as to whether he has a responsibility to "honor that portion of his marriage," that can really only be decided between the people involved.  All I would say is that for me personally, that door would have to swing both ways - either both partners have that responsibility, or neither do.  Wifey can't expect Hubby to get hot and bothered when she wants him to, but then pull the "I have a headache" routine when she's disinterested.

As far as their arrangement, it sounds like he's able to get some on the side as well.  If it weren't for that, all I'd feel for him is pity; pity for another man who falls into the BS "I exist only to please the woman (women) in my life" mindset.  Though it sounds like an equitable arrangement, and if they're all happy about it, good for them.  I have zero interest in judging him as a husband or a man, being as I don't buy into that mindset either and consequently couldn't care less if some man isn't making his wife happy; nobody can ever be responsible for another person's happiness, it is impossible to ensure such and any attempt to do so only ensures misery for all parties involved.

I am sort of concerned for the kid(s) in such a situation, I have to admit, although assuming that nothing goes on around children, such an arrangement is infinitely preferable to Mom and Dad divorcing and Mom shacking up with her girlfriend (or more likely kicking Dad out and moving girlfriend in).  At least this way both parents are still in their child(ren)'s life.

Lot's of assumptions made about her, but 'lack the pertinent info' about the husband.

I guess I find that kind of funny.

My opinion? He's a total wimp and pushover who doesn't really give a damn about his marriage either or his wife, but knows it is easier financially and otherwise to stay married.

Well, I never claimed to be objective or unbiased.

You're right that it's easier to stay married, especially for him.  I guess a desire to avoid being driven into destitution by alimony and child support payments makes one a wimp in your view?  To me, that's just being rational - men so seldom come out on top in a divorce (and by "on top" I don't mean better off than their wife, but better off than he was before the divorce or even the marriage) that unless a guy could afford to buy off the entire family court it would almost never be worth it pursing a divorce, EXPECIALLY when there are children.

[Toastedturningtidelegs]

If MrsCheaterPantsMcBitchyBitch and MrCheaterPantsDoucheyDouche want to cheat and ruin other people's lives all the while only thinking of their weenies I guess that is fine.  I mean who cares about the kids involved or the lack of morality?  Who cares about wedding vows or decency.  As long as someone is having an orgasm that just makes it all worth while.  As we all know tons of people have died from the lack of sex. 

It is really too bad that there are no devices to help people who are so involved with their genitals that they can't think straight.  Maybe someday someone will invent a battery operated thingamajig so that horny women can keep their pants on instead of hopping on the neighbors johnson.  Maybe someday men will evolve to the point where their hands could be used for more than fixing a flat tire and picking their noses.

Maybe someday men will evolve to the point where their hands could be used for more than fixing a flat tire and picking their noses.

Does your husband know about your high opinion of men in general? After all he is one!.......Maybe you should start checking up on him if he knows your opinion of him

[mamacags]

If MrsCheaterPantsMcBitchyBitch and MrCheaterPantsDoucheyDouche want to cheat and ruin other people's lives all the while only thinking of their weenies I guess that is fine.  I mean who cares about the kids involved or the lack of morality?  Who cares about wedding vows or decency.  As long as someone is having an orgasm that just makes it all worth while.  As we all know tons of people have died from the lack of sex. 

It is really too bad that there are no devices to help people who are so involved with their genitals that they can't think straight.  Maybe someday someone will invent a battery operated thingamajig so that horny women can keep their pants on instead of hopping on the neighbors johnson.  Maybe someday men will evolve to the point where their hands could be used for more than fixing a flat tire and picking their noses.

Maybe someday men will evolve to the point where their hands could be used for more than fixing a flat tire and picking their noses.

Does your husband know about your high opinion of men in general? After all he is one!.......Maybe you should start checking up on him if he knows your opinion of him

I have a great opinion of my husband and men in general.  Maybe you should have read the sarcasm tags.  People that think with their genitals make me want to hurl.

[jtyangel]

Think this has outlived its usefulness in the lounge and moving it to GD. I'll leave it up to that mod as it progresses whether it should take a turn to the Fight Club.

As for me, I heartily disagree with the black and white thinking since I last posted. I understand what its like to be a woman who can't understand the nuances of human relationships. We all like to think its a matter of morality and we are superior to others because then we think it can never happen to us. A good many good and moral people have been pulled down by thinking it could never happen to them and that they were beyond the fraility of sin and the human condition and that their marriages were 'untouchable' and that their spouse would do anything to mend things and would never lash out at them in such a hurtful way.

I'll also add as I said above, there are nuances to relationships and situations that if not in them we could not possibly comprehend. I do not believe it is about the sex, nor do I think it is the first option in many situations. I do believe many things like this start out emotionally and that's where the real attraction is, but just like with a normal situation the emotional often leads to the physical. The crass and crude name-calling is just ridiculous. I find it serves no purpose then to attempt to deflect attention away from how shallow the opinion is of the person using it. In fairness, I don't expect an individual that invested in crassness and concrete thinking to really understand the situations or nuances I mentioned. Acknowledging them doesn't make it any less wrong when this occurs, but like it or not, they are usually there and there is more reason then sexual drive for why things like this happen.


Last word on it from this end since I think my modship refrains me from addressing it much further.  :innocent:

[mamacags]

 

Well la dee freaking da.  I understand extremely well what you are trying to scream at everyone here.  We all get it!  We just don't all agree.  Do you get that?  We are not retards because we think you should keep your pants on.  And sometimes the world is in black and white.  There is no excuse for cheating.  It is breaking vows you made before God.  It is putting your needs above everything else in this world.  It is NOT right.

[DixieBelle]

You guys can continue to discuss this or if someone wants to take it to the Fight Club, I will move it. I'm not smacking fingers here, just telling you the options. This moved from the Lounge to GD because of the direction it took. We can keep it here or if someone wants to get down and dirty, we can do that too. We got options.

And jty, you are no longer obligated to moderate since this isn't in the Lounge. You're a civilian this go-round.

Carry on guys. This is actually a great debate and worthy discussion.

dixiebelle

[DumbAss Tanker]

So heres a notion that no one has hit on yet...

What if a married couple with a good solid relationship goes into something like this with BOTH partners enthusiatic about the notion rather than it being the result of a dissatisfied partner dragging someone along for the ride?

Changes the dynamic a little, donnit?

Is it still "Cheating" if both spouses are a party to it and making decisions together on who they get involved with outside of the familial marriage bed?

No, that's the kind of relationship I was talking about in response to the question about "Ever seen one work?"  In my elclectic mix of acquaintances and friends through life, I'd have to say I have known of several such relationships, and they have always eventually fetched up on the rocks due to a divergence of goals.  Eventually one of them wants more stability and monogamy than the other one, and the fun boat sinks.

At the same time I have to say marriage is only as sacrosanct as the two partners want to make it.  If screwing around is fine with both of them, it's really nobody else's business...assuming their external partners aren't deceived about their marital status.

[jtyangel]

Well la dee freaking da.  I understand extremely well what you are trying to scream at everyone here.  We all get it!  We just don't all agree.  Do you get that?  We are not retards because we think you should keep your pants on.  And sometimes the world is in black and white.  There is no excuse for cheating.  It is breaking vows you made before God.  It is putting your needs above everything else in this world.  It is NOT right.

Point made again, mamacags.  Do I even really need to address it. Your emotionality and finger pointing and name calling speaks volumes. All I did, was give it back to you in terms you understand and then you dare accuse me of debating that way.

I'll state it for you again in terms you understand. NOBODY has claimed cheating is right, however people have stated, me included, that they KNOW this does not happen in a vacuum. It's not real difficult to understand and you could pleasantly just state you disagree without the insults. Hell, DATanker has even went so far as to say your values do not apply to someone else's marriage so your insults mean even less when you consider that opinion. I find it hilarious though that in true style it is me, as a female, whose opinion gets hoisted on the petard--I guess I break the 'girls club rule of calling every woman who cheats a skank and every man who does it an asshole' .

Mama, in the end game I find it totally disingenous of you to tell me I don't accept that you disagree when you've done the same thing in the crudest of terms throughout this thread. If you expect me to just accept what you are saying as disagreement, then have the  good manners to do the same thing without lobbying out an insult.

I'm willing to agree to disagree if you are willing to do the same. Ball is in your court.

[jtyangel]

You guys can continue to discuss this or if someone wants to take it to the Fight Club, I will move it. I'm not smacking fingers here, just telling you the options. This moved from the Lounge to GD because of the direction it took. We can keep it here or if someone wants to get down and dirty, we can do that too. We got options.

And jty, you are no longer obligated to moderate since this isn't in the Lounge. You're a civilian this go-round.

Carry on guys. This is actually a great debate and worthy discussion.

dixiebelle

No need, for what to point out the obvious? LOL. What a waste of a morning. I'm off to the zoo with the people that really matter: my children and my mother. See ya.

[mamacags]

You are right, it does speak volumes, about you and your choices.  Make all of the excuses you want you know it isn't right.  Believe me when I say that I am not the only one here who sees things the same way about several things.

You insult everyone here all of the time and then have the audacity to be catty when someone else calls you out.  Nice.

I am on vacation with my family so I probably won't have time to respond until tomorrow.  Have at it while I am gone.

[DixieBelle]

You are right, it does speak volumes, about you and your choices.  Make all of the excuses you want you know it isn't right.  Believe me when I say that I am not the only one here who sees things the same way about several things.

You insult everyone here all of the time and then have the audacity to be catty when someone else calls you out.  Nice.

I am on vacation with my family so I probably won't have time to respond until tomorrow.  Have at it while I am gone.

Stepping in as Moderator here:

That was a bit close to the line. Keep it about this topic or take it to the Fight Club.

A word to everyone in this thread: Clearly emotions run high when discussing such intimate topics as sex and fidelity. We all have our own opinions and life experiences. Let's not pass judgement on each other for vehemently disagreeing. If you want to make it personal you know where the Fight Club is.

[Bri77]

As for me, I heartily disagree with the black and white thinking since I last posted. I understand what its like to be a woman who can't understand the nuances of human relationships. We all like to think its a matter of morality and we are superior to others because then we think it can never happen to us. A good many good and moral people have been pulled down by thinking it could never happen to them and that they were beyond the fraility of sin and the human condition and that their marriages were 'untouchable' and that their spouse would do anything to mend things and would never lash out at them in such a hurtful way.

Sometimes things in life ARE black and white and you just have to call a spade, a spade or in the case a hoe, a hoe. You cannot control what your spouse does but you can control yourself. To say that someone else made you do it because of their behavior or lack thereof is asinine. Just because good and moral people have made mistakes doesn't make them any less of a mistake.

I'll also add as I said above, there are nuances to relationships and situations that if not in them we could not possibly comprehend. I do not believe it is about the sex, nor do I think it is the first option in many situations. I do believe many things like this start out emotionally and that's where the real attraction is, but just like with a normal situation the emotional often leads to the physical. The crass and crude name-calling is just ridiculous. I find it serves no purpose then to attempt to deflect attention away from how shallow the opinion is of the person using it. In fairness, I don't expect an individual that invested in crassness and concrete thinking to really understand the situations or nuances I mentioned. Acknowledging them doesn't make it any less wrong when this occurs, but like it or not, they are usually there and there is more reason then sexual drive for why things like this happen.

I will agree with you that these types of things almost always start out emotionally and lead to physical relationships. Where we seem to disagree is that I feel those who cheat need to accept the blame for their own actions rather than blaming their behavior on someone else. IMO there is never a good excuse to cheat. If you get to the point where you feel the need to cheat on your spouse then a divorce would seem to be in order.