How not to become a desperate housewife

[Lauri]

Does anyone know a couple, personally and not just by reputation, where an 'open marriage' has actually worked?

That once a month thing is a huge red flare that something is seriously wrong and isnt likely to be fixed without a lot of serious work. A few new 'friends with benefits' (sometimes called **** buddies) wont fix that problem.

if i know them, i have no idea.. ive never met anyone who admitted to it.

[Lauri]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

i think i used to be in the first camp (tired of taking care of kids/toddlers and didnt want anyone else touching me at night) but we've moved nicely into the fun-sex-after-kids stage.. so, ive been on both ends. but knowing it was related to kids and being tired, we both knew it would pass...

so, i honestly dont know what thats like to be with a disinterested partner - thats probably coming down the road as we get older, but hopefully not for a few more decades

[Lauri]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I'm not really sure what to think of the husband to be honest, because I lack the pertient information.

Was he suffering from a decreased sex drive due to medical issues?  Not necessarily illness either; a new medication, major stress, even just getting old could do that.

Maybe he didn't become disinterested in sex, but only in sex with her.  I know that if I were to catch my (future) wife sleeping around, I sure as hell wouldn't be interested in being intimate with her EVER again.

But assuming he just plain lost interest in sex... well, as to whether he has a responsibility to "honor that portion of his marriage," that can really only be decided between the people involved.  All I would say is that for me personally, that door would have to swing both ways - either both partners have that responsibility, or neither do.  Wifey can't expect Hubby to get hot and bothered when she wants him to, but then pull the "I have a headache" routine when she's disinterested.

As far as their arrangement, it sounds like he's able to get some on the side as well.  If it weren't for that, all I'd feel for him is pity; pity for another man who falls into the BS "I exist only to please the woman (women) in my life" mindset.  Though it sounds like an equitable arrangement, and if they're all happy about it, good for them.  I have zero interest in judging him as a husband or a man, being as I don't buy into that mindset either and consequently couldn't care less if some man isn't making his wife happy; nobody can ever be responsible for another person's happiness, it is impossible to ensure such and any attempt to do so only ensures misery for all parties involved.

I am sort of concerned for the kid(s) in such a situation, I have to admit, although assuming that nothing goes on around children, such an arrangement is infinitely preferable to Mom and Dad divorcing and Mom shacking up with her girlfriend (or more likely kicking Dad out and moving girlfriend in).  At least this way both parents are still in their child(ren)'s life.

what if she just has a high sex drive and he is not interested in keeping up? is that reason to disolve a marriage and a family?

[Lauri]

You Gals!...

If someone offered you a Manwich with the two hunkiest guys in your personal universes as the Whole Wheat Bread to your Smoked Turkey ya'll KNOW you would be all over that like white on rice!

 

honestly, i dont think i could... but i dont covet anyone else's guy around here. my guy has all his hair still and a lot of our neighbors and friends are challenged in that area

[Bri77]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

I didn't know that you knew the intimate details of their relationship and just how much he did or didn't work on the sexual part. You are assuming that everything she has said is fact and that there are no possible variations. For all I know there could be something SHE was doing to keep him from being able or wanting to have sex with her. How much did SHE try to fix the sexual part of their relationship before adding a third party? Maybe she should've been seeing a therapist to figure out what was wrong with her that she felt the need to go outside of her marriage for sex.

[EastFacingNorth]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I'm not really sure what to think of the husband to be honest, because I lack the pertient information.

Was he suffering from a decreased sex drive due to medical issues?  Not necessarily illness either; a new medication, major stress, even just getting old could do that.

Maybe he didn't become disinterested in sex, but only in sex with her.  I know that if I were to catch my (future) wife sleeping around, I sure as hell wouldn't be interested in being intimate with her EVER again.

But assuming he just plain lost interest in sex... well, as to whether he has a responsibility to "honor that portion of his marriage," that can really only be decided between the people involved.  All I would say is that for me personally, that door would have to swing both ways - either both partners have that responsibility, or neither do.  Wifey can't expect Hubby to get hot and bothered when she wants him to, but then pull the "I have a headache" routine when she's disinterested.

As far as their arrangement, it sounds like he's able to get some on the side as well.  If it weren't for that, all I'd feel for him is pity; pity for another man who falls into the BS "I exist only to please the woman (women) in my life" mindset.  Though it sounds like an equitable arrangement, and if they're all happy about it, good for them.  I have zero interest in judging him as a husband or a man, being as I don't buy into that mindset either and consequently couldn't care less if some man isn't making his wife happy; nobody can ever be responsible for another person's happiness, it is impossible to ensure such and any attempt to do so only ensures misery for all parties involved.

I am sort of concerned for the kid(s) in such a situation, I have to admit, although assuming that nothing goes on around children, such an arrangement is infinitely preferable to Mom and Dad divorcing and Mom shacking up with her girlfriend (or more likely kicking Dad out and moving girlfriend in).  At least this way both parents are still in their child(ren)'s life.

what if she just has a high sex drive and he is not interested in keeping up? is that reason to disolve a marriage and a family?

I'm personally of the opinion that a marriage should be indissoluble.  If there's a problem it should be worked out, rather than giving up on the marriage altogether.  It seems that this couple reached an agreement to which they were both amicable and which allowed them to maintain their marriage, so that is to the good in my view.

Of course, such an arrangement would understabdably not be everyone's cup of tea, and the reality is that people do divorce.  Once again my standard is that only if one finds it acceptable for a man to divorce his wife because she doesn't put out enough would the converse be acceptable as well.  I personally wouldn't approve of divorce in either of such situations, but then again I'd be hard pressed to think of a situation in which I would approve of divorce.  It'd have to be something along the lines of attempted murder of one's spouse in severity.

[Chris_]

I'm personally of the opinion that a marriage should be indissoluble.  If there's a problem it should be worked out, rather than giving up on the marriage altogether.  It seems that this couple reached an agreement to which they were both amicable and which allowed them to maintain their marriage, so that is to the good in my view.

Of course, such an arrangement would understabdably not be everyone's cup of tea, and the reality is that people do divorce.  Once again my standard is that only if one finds it acceptable for a man to divorce his wife because she doesn't put out enough would the converse be acceptable as well.  I personally wouldn't approve of divorce in either of such situations, but then again I'd be hard pressed to think of a situation in which I would approve of divorce.  It'd have to be something along the lines of attempted murder of one's spouse in severity.

Valid reasons for divorce:
* Infidelity
* Physical or verbal abuse
* Drug or alcohol addiction
* Pattern of deception

[jtyangel]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I'm not really sure what to think of the husband to be honest, because I lack the pertient information.

Was he suffering from a decreased sex drive due to medical issues?  Not necessarily illness either; a new medication, major stress, even just getting old could do that.

Maybe he didn't become disinterested in sex, but only in sex with her.  I know that if I were to catch my (future) wife sleeping around, I sure as hell wouldn't be interested in being intimate with her EVER again.

But assuming he just plain lost interest in sex... well, as to whether he has a responsibility to "honor that portion of his marriage," that can really only be decided between the people involved.  All I would say is that for me personally, that door would have to swing both ways - either both partners have that responsibility, or neither do.  Wifey can't expect Hubby to get hot and bothered when she wants him to, but then pull the "I have a headache" routine when she's disinterested.

As far as their arrangement, it sounds like he's able to get some on the side as well.  If it weren't for that, all I'd feel for him is pity; pity for another man who falls into the BS "I exist only to please the woman (women) in my life" mindset.  Though it sounds like an equitable arrangement, and if they're all happy about it, good for them.  I have zero interest in judging him as a husband or a man, being as I don't buy into that mindset either and consequently couldn't care less if some man isn't making his wife happy; nobody can ever be responsible for another person's happiness, it is impossible to ensure such and any attempt to do so only ensures misery for all parties involved.

I am sort of concerned for the kid(s) in such a situation, I have to admit, although assuming that nothing goes on around children, such an arrangement is infinitely preferable to Mom and Dad divorcing and Mom shacking up with her girlfriend (or more likely kicking Dad out and moving girlfriend in).  At least this way both parents are still in their child(ren)'s life.

Lot's of assumptions made about her, but 'lack the pertinent info' about the husband.

I guess I find that kind of funny.

My opinion? He's a total wimp and pushover who doesn't really give a damn about his marriage either or his wife, but knows it is easier financially and otherwise to stay married.

[jtyangel]

You Gals!...

If someone offered you a Manwich with the two hunkiest guys in your personal universes as the Whole Wheat Bread to your Smoked Turkey ya'll KNOW you would be all over that like white on rice!

 

Well, if Matthew McConawhateverhisname decides to knock on my door, I told my husband I would be packing a bag for the weekend and not to wait up for me.

To which he replied, "if Jessica Alba knocks on the door, I'm stepping over you! Not even taking the time to pack a bag". 

Ooh, I'm liking on him too. We'd have to fight for him sister! 

[jtyangel]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

i think i used to be in the first camp (tired of taking care of kids/toddlers and didnt want anyone else touching me at night) but we've moved nicely into the fun-sex-after-kids stage.. so, ive been on both ends. but knowing it was related to kids and being tired, we both knew it would pass...

so, i honestly dont know what thats like to be with a disinterested partner - thats probably coming down the road as we get older, but hopefully not for a few more decades

A lot of women don't and I think that's why they are very very quick to judge a woman so harshly in that situation. Speaking from personal experience, it sucks and it is more about sex, it really effects your self-esteem as a woman since you know it is a not a normal situation.

I really think everyone should think about this type of thing in more depth. Abnormal situations breed abnormal results like this and lots of dysfunction.

[jtyangel]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

I didn't know that you knew the intimate details of their relationship and just how much he did or didn't work on the sexual part. You are assuming that everything she has said is fact and that there are no possible variations. For all I know there could be something SHE was doing to keep him from being able or wanting to have sex with her. How much did SHE try to fix the sexual part of their relationship before adding a third party? Maybe she should've been seeing a therapist to figure out what was wrong with her that she felt the need to go outside of her marriage for sex.

No, bri and you don't have to be so insulting because I stepped on your internet toes and challenged you. I, however, did take the time to read a few other stories on the couple(a habit I have of researching a bit further before I comment on things so I have a bit more of the whole story). Also, Bri, I know what it is like to be in a relationship with a man like this--both who could give a shit if your needs are being met to the tune of not touching you for months and who green lights you to 'do what you need to'. It is devastating and although it is none of your business, I think you should understand the perspective. I give her some berth because I actually KNOW what can precipitate dysfunction like this.

As for the topic at hand, if it is like my relationship was, you are telling me that you think there is absolutely no therapy the MAN needs for the fact that he refuses to be a part of a normal marital relationship more then a few times a year or that he would be ok with encouraging a lack of fidelity in the marriage instead of working on it?

As far as assumptions, I'm not the only one guilty of that in this thread so spare me that dig. Individuals in forums are inclined to making assumptions all the time since we can never really know the full story about anything can we? By offering commentary and opinion we are ALL inclinded to make assumptions to do reach our conclusions: essentially we are left to fill in the blanks based not only on information, but our own life experiences. Bri, you are no exception to this so you trying to insult me on it is little more then deflection on the original topic. I'd appreciate if you would stick to the topic and try to debate it reasonably and thoughtfully. Now, if you'd like to continue in a thoughtful manner, I would appreciate it. If not, I wish you good day and I'll be happy to carry on the debate with someone like EastFacing and Lauri who are willing to turn it over on its sides and actually discuss the issues related to it.

[Lauri]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

i think i used to be in the first camp (tired of taking care of kids/toddlers and didnt want anyone else touching me at night) but we've moved nicely into the fun-sex-after-kids stage.. so, ive been on both ends. but knowing it was related to kids and being tired, we both knew it would pass...

so, i honestly dont know what thats like to be with a disinterested partner - thats probably coming down the road as we get older, but hopefully not for a few more decades

A lot of women don't and I think that's why they are very very quick to judge a woman so harshly in that situation. Speaking from personal experience, it sucks and it is more about sex, it really effects your self-esteem as a woman since you know it is a not a normal situation.

I really think everyone should think about this type of thing in more depth. Abnormal situations breed abnormal results like this and lots of dysfunction.

well, but is it 'abnormal' to the two people involved?

i think if a lot of people here were more honest, they'd be less disapproving. i seriously doubt everyone on this board has only had sex one way for all of their married life..

[asdf2231]

So heres a notion that no one has hit on yet...

What if a married couple with a good solid relationship goes into something like this with BOTH partners enthusiatic about the notion rather than it being the result of a dissatisfied partner dragging someone along for the ride?

Changes the dynamic a little, donnit?

Is it still "Cheating" if both spouses are a party to it and making decisions together on who they get involved with outside of the familial marriage bed?

[BEG]

I think if there are no kids involved do what ever the heck you want.  Once kids are involved there is a whole new dynamic in the mix.  You have to go into it knowing that you may confuse the hell out of a child if he/she were to find out. 

[DixieBelle]

You Gals!...

If someone offered you a Manwich with the two hunkiest guys in your personal universes as the Whole Wheat Bread to your Smoked Turkey ya'll KNOW you would be all over that like white on rice!

 

Well, if Matthew McConawhateverhisname decides to knock on my door, I told my husband I would be packing a bag for the weekend and not to wait up for me.

To which he replied, "if Jessica Alba knocks on the door, I'm stepping over you! Not even taking the time to pack a bag". 

Ooh, I'm liking on him too. We'd have to fight for him sister! 

We can share.  As long as Jessica Alba comes along to distract my hubby. 

[DixieBelle]

I think that in this particular case, we don't have enough information. From any of the involved parties. There are three sides to every marriage: his, hers, and the truth.

I can honestly say that I used to think the EastFacingNorth about marriage (see his post above). In fact, I firmly held the belief that I would marry the love of my life and stay with him until death. It didn't work out that way at all.

Now, I am in no way chiding EFN for his stance. In fact, I find it admirable and I hope he makes the decisions in life that will help him achieve those ideals.

My point is that you never know what you're going to get in a marriage. But most importantly, you never know how each of you will deal with those circumstances until they are put in front of you. It's not only who you choose to marry, it how you choose to act.

I can also say that your choice of spouse can make or break your marriage when a crisis hits. I have the advantage of comparision though. I'm now remarried and it's like night and day. We have weathered some pretty bad storms. Some that would have crushed my first marriage instantly. This one has only gotten stronger.

You can chalk that up to more than just a good match between spouses though. Maturity, experience, honesty, committment, etc...a good relationship takes many components. It's like an orchestra. Every instrument must not only play, it must play correctly in order to make something beautiful.

[Bri77]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

I didn't know that you knew the intimate details of their relationship and just how much he did or didn't work on the sexual part. You are assuming that everything she has said is fact and that there are no possible variations. For all I know there could be something SHE was doing to keep him from being able or wanting to have sex with her. How much did SHE try to fix the sexual part of their relationship before adding a third party? Maybe she should've been seeing a therapist to figure out what was wrong with her that she felt the need to go outside of her marriage for sex.

No, bri and you don't have to be so insulting because I stepped on your internet toes and challenged you. I, however, did take the time to read a few other stories on the couple(a habit I have of researching a bit further before I comment on things so I have a bit more of the whole story). Also, Bri, I know what it is like to be in a relationship with a man like this--both who could give a shit if your needs are being met to the tune of not touching you for months and who green lights you to 'do what you need to'. It is devastating and although it is none of your business, I think you should understand the perspective. I give her some berth because I actually KNOW what can precipitate dysfunction like this.

As for the topic at hand, if it is like my relationship was, you are telling me that you think there is absolutely no therapy the MAN needs for the fact that he refuses to be a part of a normal marital relationship more then a few times a year or that he would be ok with encouraging a lack of fidelity in the marriage instead of working on it?

As far as assumptions, I'm not the only one guilty of that in this thread so spare me that dig. Individuals in forums are inclined to making assumptions all the time since we can never really know the full story about anything can we? By offering commentary and opinion we are ALL inclinded to make assumptions to do reach our conclusions: essentially we are left to fill in the blanks based not only on information, but our own life experiences. Bri, you are no exception to this so you trying to insult me on it is little more then deflection on the original topic. I'd appreciate if you would stick to the topic and try to debate it reasonably and thoughtfully. Now, if you'd like to continue in a thoughtful manner, I would appreciate it. If not, I wish you good day and I'll be happy to carry on the debate with someone like EastFacing and Lauri who are willing to turn it over on its sides and actually discuss the issues related to it.

I certainly didn't mean to be insulting and I do apologize if it came across that way. You didn't step on my "internet toes" nor do I feel challenged by you and your opinion. To say that, based on my recent posts, is reaching at best IMO. My point is that you're asking a question based on a situation where you're making certain assumptions not knowing all the facts. I am also forming my opinion based on assumptions and/or a different scenario than you.

It seems as though you're making this very personal based on your own situation. By doing so you're making it difficult to debate this with anyone because you are taking any disagreement as a personal dig. Don't assume that you're the only one that understands what it's like to be in a situation such as this. There are MANY variants that would change my opinion on the people involved. Although it honestly doesn't matter what my opinion of others is. I've always heard and have known this to be true. There are three sides to every story, his side, her side and the truth.

As for the topic at hand, if it is like my relationship was, you are telling me that you think there is absolutely no therapy the MAN needs for the fact that he refuses to be a part of a normal marital relationship more then a few times a year or that he would be ok with encouraging a lack of fidelity in the marriage instead of working on it?

Please do not put words in my mouth. I never said such a thing.

Bri, you are no exception to this so you trying to insult me on it is little more then deflection on the original topic. I'd appreciate if you would stick to the topic and try to debate it reasonably and thoughtfully.

As I said previously, I was NOT trying to insult you. I have been sticking to the topic, you're the one that's turning this into a personal situation. I have been debating reasonably, not with raw emotion. If you only want to debate or discuss with people that agree with you, then obviously our discussion here is done. I will NEVER think it's ok to cheat under any circumstances. Nobody could change my opinion on that, ever. I also never said that someone who would agree to this type of situation because they just didn't want to have sex with their spouse is a-ok.

[Bri77]

There are three sides to every marriage: his, hers, and the truth.

Dangit, I said the same thing and would've said it first if I didn't have to go change a poopy diaper in the middle of typing out my reply. 

[DixieBelle]

LOL! No problem.

I don't know who said that to me first but it was brilliant and so true!

[mamacags]

If MrsCheaterPantsMcBitchyBitch and MrCheaterPantsDoucheyDouche want to cheat and ruin other people's lives all the while only thinking of their weenies I guess that is fine.  I mean who cares about the kids involved or the lack of morality?  Who cares about wedding vows or decency.  As long as someone is having an orgasm that just makes it all worth while.  As we all know tons of people have died from the lack of sex. 

It is really too bad that there are no devices to help people who are so involved with their genitals that they can't think straight.  Maybe someday someone will invent a battery operated thingamajig so that horny women can keep their pants on instead of hopping on the neighbors johnson.  Maybe someday men will evolve to the point where their hands could be used for more than fixing a flat tire and picking their noses.

[asdf2231]

 

 :innocent:     

[Lauri]

So heres a notion that no one has hit on yet...

What if a married couple with a good solid relationship goes into something like this with BOTH partners enthusiatic about the notion rather than it being the result of a dissatisfied partner dragging someone along for the ride?

Changes the dynamic a little, donnit?

Is it still "Cheating" if both spouses are a party to it and making decisions together on who they get involved with outside of the familial marriage bed?

well, thats where i was coming from... i dont think its always 'bad' marriages where people experiment.

youre in vegas... you get a bit tipsy... and hey! nobody knows you in Vegas! 


*note to self, stop talking now* 


i kid, i kid... never happened to me

[BEG]

So heres a notion that no one has hit on yet...

What if a married couple with a good solid relationship goes into something like this with BOTH partners enthusiatic about the notion rather than it being the result of a dissatisfied partner dragging someone along for the ride?

Changes the dynamic a little, donnit?

Is it still "Cheating" if both spouses are a party to it and making decisions together on who they get involved with outside of the familial marriage bed?

well, thats where i was coming from... i dont think its always 'bad' marriages where people experiment.

youre in vegas... you get a bit tipsy... and hey! nobody knows you in Vegas! 


*note to self, stop talking now* 


i kid, i kid... never happened to me

LOL...liar!   

[Lauri]

So heres a notion that no one has hit on yet...

What if a married couple with a good solid relationship goes into something like this with BOTH partners enthusiatic about the notion rather than it being the result of a dissatisfied partner dragging someone along for the ride?

Changes the dynamic a little, donnit?

Is it still "Cheating" if both spouses are a party to it and making decisions together on who they get involved with outside of the familial marriage bed?

well, thats where i was coming from... i dont think its always 'bad' marriages where people experiment.

youre in vegas... you get a bit tipsy... and hey! nobody knows you in Vegas! 


*note to self, stop talking now* 


i kid, i kid... never happened to me

LOL...liar!   

seriously! ive never even *been* there

[Miss Mia]

So heres a notion that no one has hit on yet...

What if a married couple with a good solid relationship goes into something like this with BOTH partners enthusiatic about the notion rather than it being the result of a dissatisfied partner dragging someone along for the ride?

Changes the dynamic a little, donnit?

Is it still "Cheating" if both spouses are a party to it and making decisions together on who they get involved with outside of the familial marriage bed?

well, thats where i was coming from... i dont think its always 'bad' marriages where people experiment.

youre in vegas... you get a bit tipsy... and hey! nobody knows you in Vegas! 


*note to self, stop talking now* 


i kid, i kid... never happened to me

LOL...liar!   

seriously! ive never even *been* there

riiiiiighhht.