How not to become a desperate housewife

[bijou]

Sunday brunch at a dim sum restaurant in Seattle with the local polyamory group. I'm sitting between two men. One has a T-shirt that reads 'Two's Company'. The other's wearing the slogan 'Screw Abstinence'. Welcome to the neighbourhood 'sex-positive' community, a club where anything goes, just so long as it's between consenting adults and latex is involved.
They're a friendly bunch (well, I guess you'd have to be. It doesn't do to be stand-offish and polyamorous). There is E, who has known she was polyamorous since she was 18; then J, who first discussed this kind of lifestyle with his wife back in 1962 (they're still together); and a woman who describes herself as temple priestess, sex educator and counsellor, which must keep her busy.


Guest of honour is Jenny Block, America's poster girl for open marriage. Block is a 38-year- old writer who has flown in from Dallas where she lives in one of the outlying suburbs with her husband Christopher, an IT consultant, and their nine-year-old daughter Emily.

...

Briefly, Jenny has a sexual relationship with both Christopher and Jemma - though her husband and her girlfriend don't sleep with each other. Christopher, should he choose, could sleep with anyone he fancies (so long as it's not in the neighbourhood; they have a strict 'not in town' rule). So could Jemma, although she says she doesn't want to. Jenny used to hook up with other people, men and women, she met on work trips and writer retreats, but at the moment she's content with just the two of them. In poly-speak this means she's in a 'vee' relationship (in which one person has two lovers who aren't involved with each other) as oppose to a 'triad' or a 'quad' which sound even more exciting, or exhausting, depending on your point of view.

She's just written a book about these unusual (although, according to Jenny, not that unusual) domestic arrangements.
...

Later, one of the men from the group gives me a lift back into the city. He's in his sixties and he wistfully tells me that many of his lovers have died or drifted away. 'Although,' he says, 'my wife and I have realised that there is some benefit to getting older. It turns out there is one thing better than sex ... and that's grandchildren.' And I can't help but think, after a weekend exploring the personal intricacies of another person's marriage - hurrah to that.

...

http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/women/story/0,,2288582,00.html

I hope for Emily's sake that the book has died a death by the time she's a teenager.

[DixieBelle]

Jenny was three years into her marriage to Christopher when she turned over in bed one night and said to her husband something along the lines of, 'How would it be if we slept with other people?' For a long time she'd been unhappy with the physical side of things. Everything else was tickety boo, she tells me: she loved Christopher, she loved her daughter, she simply wasn't getting laid enough. 'I wanted to feel as if I could breathe,' she says now. 'That if I was attracted to someone that our relationship could go to that next level. That it would be allowed.'

In her twenties she'd enjoyed flings with women, a fact that she'd told Christopher about before they were married. But here she was, lying next to her husband, and wondering if a Saturday-morning tumble once a month was enough for her. And if it wasn't, did it mean the end of her marriage? Unlike many relationships which suffer from sexual torpor, especially after having children, she wasn't willing to lie back and go to sleep.

However, the fact that she craved sex made her think she might be 'a freak' in some way. 'I didn't think other women had a high sex drive or if they did they weren't allowed to talk about it. Bring it up with women and you get either, "Don't be silly" or, "I wish my husband would leave me alone".'

Jenny's proposal may not have come as a complete surprise to her husband. The couple had survived Jenny's affair with another woman the year before. ('The most exhausting six months of my life. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was totally paranoid.') Sex, or, rather, the lack of it, and Christopher's disinclination to initiate it, had long been a source of arguments. 'It didn't have the same importance to him. I would feel either ignored or bummed out by it. That he didn't want or love me any more,' she recalls.

For some men the idea of an open marriage might have been a fantasy come true. I'm not so sure about Christopher. He remains a rather faceless character in the book. She and Jemma nickname him 'the egoless man' which is supposed to be a compliment but I'm not so sure. I'm torn between thinking, 'poor bloke, all he wants is a quiet night in' and 'for God's sake, try a bit harder!' However, his wife is warmer about him in person than she is in print. She describes him with palpable affection and, whatever anyone thinks of their marriage, it seems he adores her.

If your husband said: Give it up, or get out, what would you do?

'I don't think I'm a monogamous person. Would I attempt it because I want to be with my husband? Yes. Would it work? I don't know.'

Why get married in the first place? Did she wonder if it would suit her or not?

'Well, in the first place I didn't know this was going to happen. Secondly, I really like being with someone who says he will stick around, regardless of how kooky I am. It's easier to navigate the world as a couple. I expect to grow old with him.'

She's plainly worked out an arrangement that works for her, but whether it's in the best interests of Christopher and Jemma is hard to know without meeting them (they agreed to the book but declined to do any interviews). Jenny says she's bisexual but I do wonder if she is a lesbian who realised after she married and had a child that she prefers sex with women but is not willing to give up the conveniences that come with a heterosexual lifestyle. Reading between the lines, is she having sex with Jemma and simply living with Christopher?

Jenny, you ignorant slut. 

Whatever happened to making things work? I suspect there is much more to her story than what she puts in the book.

[BEG]

Here is the subject of the article "Jenny Block".  She is the one on the left.  She sure looks like a desperate housewife to me.

[Zafod Beeblebrox]

Here is the subject of the article "Jenny Block".  She is the one on the left.  She sure looks like a desperate housewife to me.

No, she looks like a dude in drag.... with a huge overbite.

[Lauri]

so, there is this new show on called... Swingtown. anybody else watching it?   

my husband thought it was going to be just about the 70s and how liberal everyone was.. now its turning into a morality tale, with the husband being all for swapping spouses, then his wife starts getting ideas about freedom of speech and such.

the actors are pretty good... or i am so bored with everything else on tv, that it looks ok

[DixieBelle]

^yes, I'm watching it too. I missed last week though.

I must admit, the whole "swinging" part is secondary to me. I just wanted to see the old clothes/cars/etc...and hear the old music. Reminds me of growing up.

The uptight old neighbor is hilarious though!!!

[Chris_]

Here is the subject of the article "Jenny Block".  She is the one on the left.  She sure looks like a desperate housewife to me.

I think her face is melting.

[Chris_]

She's not as think as you drunk she is.
 

[jtyangel]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

[BEG]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I think the same of him as I do of her...which isn't much.

[Bri77]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

[mamacags]

Amen!

[DixieBelle]

H5 Bri. I agree as well.

jty - I really don't know what to think about this husband. It's incredibly hard to say having only heard her side.

[jtyangel]

All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I don't think it's really fair to say anything about the husband since we haven't heard his side of the story. Who knows if this woman is telling the entire story or just the parts that make her not look like the terrible, pathetic cheater that she is.

I actually took the time when the story came out to look into it more. Apparently both the husband and the bi lover did not want to comment publicly, but both contributed to the book about the open marriage. So given he is ok with this enough to agree to his wife publishing a book about it, I ask you again, what do you think of a man(or woman) who will agree to such a thing? Her husband apparently doesn't think of her in the same light so the vitriol is really ridiculous for the question at hand. So, she's a cheater, but he allows it. Again I ask, what do you think of a spouse who will not only allow it, but not work on that portion of their marriage and honor that particular part of the commitment BEFORE the cheating happens? I know its an uncomfy topic since females generally are squirming out of this particular part of the marriage by the time 3 kids have hit the floor and they are approaching middle age and/or women in GOOD marriages have no concept of living with a spouse who is disinterested in a sexual relationship or worse outright rejects them in that way on a regular basis--after all men always want sex all of the time right that its inconceivable to most women that there are women who live in marriages where their spouse is totally disconnected and uninterested. Look forward to your reply.

[jtyangel]

H5 Bri. I agree as well.

jty - I really don't know what to think about this husband. It's incredibly hard to say having only heard her side.

Again, I believe that is because it is hard for women to understand that there are some men who reject their wives regularly or are disinterested that it makes her story unbelievable. It's a very hurtful thing and women are prone to hide such a thing because it seems so extraordinary to them. I'm not saying this is her in particular, but I don't think saying it doesn't happen and not understanding how it affects a woman's self-esteem is a really productive approach either.

From what I've read about her, there is a certain bravado to her story that makes it seem less likely she was hurting from it, but who knows...sometimes people learn to mask their original feeligs over time that its hard to say how that affected her originally and perhaps she is now justifying something that initially was very hurtful to her--shrug--who knows. Personally, I have a harder time understanding a man(or woman) for whom this is an ok arrangement as long as everything else remains status quo. I could never allow someone I love to have such an arrangement. My first decision would be to try and make myself more compatible in that way before telling my loved one, sure, go f*ck your best friend.

[DixieBelle]

^totally agree. I think this woman is just a closeted lesbian or bi-sexual. She said she had a same-sex affair early in the marriage that she hid before they "opened" their marriage.

If the husband were truly cold and not interested at all in sex, it could be for a number of reasons. Any of which deserve to be aired and worked on IMO. But what if he felt like she was really more turned on by women and he just gave up? That could be the case with this woman.

I certainly don't think that problems in the bedroom between husband and wife are solved by adding a third party!!!! That's just counter-productive and I think she's justified it as some post-feminst (who's married to an 'evolved'  man) clap trap.

[EastFacingNorth]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

I'm not really sure what to think of the husband to be honest, because I lack the pertient information.

Was he suffering from a decreased sex drive due to medical issues?  Not necessarily illness either; a new medication, major stress, even just getting old could do that.

Maybe he didn't become disinterested in sex, but only in sex with her.  I know that if I were to catch my (future) wife sleeping around, I sure as hell wouldn't be interested in being intimate with her EVER again.

But assuming he just plain lost interest in sex... well, as to whether he has a responsibility to "honor that portion of his marriage," that can really only be decided between the people involved.  All I would say is that for me personally, that door would have to swing both ways - either both partners have that responsibility, or neither do.  Wifey can't expect Hubby to get hot and bothered when she wants him to, but then pull the "I have a headache" routine when she's disinterested.

As far as their arrangement, it sounds like he's able to get some on the side as well.  If it weren't for that, all I'd feel for him is pity; pity for another man who falls into the BS "I exist only to please the woman (women) in my life" mindset.  Though it sounds like an equitable arrangement, and if they're all happy about it, good for them.  I have zero interest in judging him as a husband or a man, being as I don't buy into that mindset either and consequently couldn't care less if some man isn't making his wife happy; nobody can ever be responsible for another person's happiness, it is impossible to ensure such and any attempt to do so only ensures misery for all parties involved.

I am sort of concerned for the kid(s) in such a situation, I have to admit, although assuming that nothing goes on around children, such an arrangement is infinitely preferable to Mom and Dad divorcing and Mom shacking up with her girlfriend (or more likely kicking Dad out and moving girlfriend in).  At least this way both parents are still in their child(ren)'s life.

[Lauri]

^yes, I'm watching it too. I missed last week though.

I must admit, the whole "swinging" part is secondary to me. I just wanted to see the old clothes/cars/etc...and hear the old music. Reminds me of growing up.

The uptight old neighbor is hilarious though!!!

last week janet had a pot brownie... i think trina is interesting, but also kind of a bitch.

susan and bruce have incredible speaking voices; dont know why i notice it, but i do.. i think the morality tale inside of the story is going to be pretty interesting. i do love the music and the outfits. the fondue night was great...

[Lauri]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

interesting question... and i think if both people in the relationship are ok with it (and lets face it, lots of people do this willingly and have for millenia) then everyone else should butt out.

it wouldnt work for me.. i'd get jealous as all hell and kill some woman if she touched my husband.. but that's just me. 

[DarkHalo]

Does anyone know a couple, personally and not just by reputation, where an 'open marriage' has actually worked?

That once a month thing is a huge red flare that something is seriously wrong and isnt likely to be fixed without a lot of serious work. A few new 'friends with benefits' (sometimes called **** buddies) wont fix that problem.

[DumbAss Tanker]

Does anyone know a couple, personally and not just by reputation, where an 'open marriage' has actually worked?

No.  Every one of the open or plural relationships/"marriages" involved ultimately crashed and burned, IMHO because there was always a disparity in what the assorted partners wanted out of it that eventually flew the whole thing into a mountain.

[jtyangel]

To be fair, a more professional picture of her.



All I will say is I understand the original problems in her marriage, even if I don't agree with her solution to them. I do think sexual compatibility is something that people are discouraged from considering when entering into a relationship and it is important that it shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'm surprised there is no disgust at her husband though. If he did indeed agree to this, what are your thoughts on him as a man and a husband if his solution is to agree to his wife having multiple affairs instead of him 'working on it':the sexual portion of his marriage? Just curious if anyone here has issue with spouses who have no physical issues who have decided they will not honor this portion of their marriage because they just 'aren't interested'. Is there any responsibility on him to honor that portion of his marriage while his wife works on adjusting her own view?

interesting question... and i think if both people in the relationship are ok with it (and lets face it, lots of people do this willingly and have for millenia) then everyone else should butt out.

it wouldnt work for me.. i'd get jealous as all hell and kill some woman if she touched my husband.. but that's just me. 

See, I think more like you do. Its done with the full knowledge and consent of BOTH individuals so the name throwing makes no sense and as I said if someone goes there, then it would seem proper to scrutinize BOTH parts of the relationship. However, I'm not one who really cares. How people make their marriages work isn't my concern.

I'm with you though. If I'm with someone, I don't like to share. LOL.

[asdf2231]

You Gals!...

If someone offered you a Manwich with the two hunkiest guys in your personal universes as the Whole Wheat Bread to your Smoked Turkey ya'll KNOW you would be all over that like white on rice!

 

[DixieBelle]

You Gals!...

If someone offered you a Manwich with the two hunkiest guys in your personal universes as the Whole Wheat Bread to your Smoked Turkey ya'll KNOW you would be all over that like white on rice!

 

Well, if Matthew McConawhateverhisname decides to knock on my door, I told my husband I would be packing a bag for the weekend and not to wait up for me.

To which he replied, "if Jessica Alba knocks on the door, I'm stepping over you! Not even taking the time to pack a bag". 

[Zafod Beeblebrox]

You Gals!...

If someone offered you a Manwich with the two hunkiest guys in your personal universes as the Whole Wheat Bread to your Smoked Turkey ya'll KNOW you would be all over that like white on rice!

 

Well, if Matthew McConawhateverhisname decides to knock on my door, I told my husband I would be packing a bag for the weekend and not to wait up for me.

To which he replied, "if Jessica Alba knocks on the door, I'm stepping over you! Not even taking the time to pack a bag". 

He has good taste.