The Conservative Cave
Current Events => The DUmpster => Topic started by: CC27 on August 30, 2019, 08:21:51 AM
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malaise (194,602 posts)
A good joke from the Heaven believers
A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"
St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"That's incredible, " said the man.
St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100212421090
Heaven believers? Go **** yourself.
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Question: Where are the Dummy fans?
Answer: In the boiler room
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Bill's, Hill's, Congressional Dems', and the MSM's clocks are banned as shrapnel hazards. :rimshot: And mal's clock's hands flew off, leaving holes in the wall, and dripped acid on everything below it. :rimshot:
Whatever.
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Humorless people. All of their so called jokes aren't funny and must try to ridicule President Trump.
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Humorless people. All of their so called jokes aren't funny and must try to ridicule President Trump.
Not to mention that this joke is recycled; I think it dates back to at least the Bill Clinton administration. You'd have to be living in another dimension to think it is novel or funny.
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Christians tend to have a sense of humor about themselves. The Babylon Bee often satirizes Evangelicals' traditions and quirks. Here's a joke a Baptist missionary told my family several decades ago:
One day a First Grade teacher told students to bring symbols of their family's religion to class for "Show and Tell".
A Jewish kid brought a Star of David and explained its significance.
A Muslim kid brought a crescent moon and explained its significance.
A Catholic kid brought a Crucifix and explained its significance.
A Baptist kid said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is a casserole."
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That joke was old when people told it about Bill Clinton.
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malaise's husband comes home one night after some heavy drinking with a duck under his arm.
malaise opens the door and her husband says "This is the pig I've been screwing."
malaise says "You drunk, that is a duck not a pig."
Her husband says "I wasn't talking to you."
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What would any DUmbass know what heaven looks like anyway. They'll be needing asbestos underwear where they're going after they shuffle off this mortal coil.
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Hey! Want to come to a party at my place? Lots of talking, fighting and screwing!
Sure! When should I be there?
Oh, you can come whenever you like, itll be just you and me.
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A certain DUmmie died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks it "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The DUmmie thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a fellow DUmmie on GoFundMe." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really enough to get you into Heaven." The DUmmie said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Two years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this DUmmie?"
Gabriel gave the DUmmie a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give it back its 50 cents and tell it to go to Hell."
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Christians tend to have a sense of humor about themselves. The Babylon Bee often satirizes Evangelicals' traditions and quirks. Here's a joke a Baptist missionary told my family several decades ago:
One day a First Grade teacher told students to bring symbols of their family's religion to class for "Show and Tell".
A Jewish kid brought a Star of David and explained its significance.
A Muslim kid brought a crescent moon and explained its significance.
A Catholic kid brought a Crucifix and explained its significance.
A Baptist kid said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is a casserole."
The best joke I ever heard was the one about 3 preachers, Methodist, Baptist, and Lutheran, and their wives on vacation, and all died in a horrible car wreak...
Lutheran goes to St. Peter, says I'm a minister and would like to get into Heaven, St. Peter said should be any problem, but he had to check the great book...
St. Peter says to the Lutheran preacher, I can't let you in. It says all your life you lusted after money. You never had any, but you lusted after it just the same, and that's just as bad. In fact, your lust was so great, you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Penny. I can't let you in!
Baptist preacher was next, St. Peter checked the great book and said, I don't believe it, this is 2 in a row, I can't let you in either. It says all your life, you lusted after alcohol, you never had any, but you lusted after it just the same, and that's just as bad. It says your lust was so great, you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Sherri. I can't let you in, either.
Methodist preacher turned to his wife and said, Well, Fanny, we may as well leave, too!!