US Government announces IPO measure
(CORP NEWS WIRE) Washington DC; Today the United States government admitted that higher taxes and elevated spending have exacerbated the deficit and caused the national debt to spiral out of control.
"We admit to have been partly the cause of the troubling times we are in now. We further admit that we are out of ideas on how to solve these problems. This administration concedes that our lack of experience in private sector business are a hinderance in getting the economy up and running." Press Secretary Gibbs said at a hastily arranged press conference.
"Therefor we have asked business leaders what they would do in such a situation. Merging with Canada is out of the question, I don't think they would have us nor could they pay the debts we would bring with us. Which brought us to the IPO" (Initial Public Offering)
"This meets the Presidents own goal of 'fundamentally transforming' America. He never knew this was the path that would do that, though."
Every single legal American citizen would be issued a single share of stock in the United States government, giving that shareholder a single vote in federal elections. The other 50 million shares would be sold at auction as an immediate revenue source.
The people of the country would be able to buy and sell their shares if they wanted to, but there will be a big tax on the sale of the stock. This will help raise revenue".
Billionaire Ronald Gump, owner of Gump Towers and Casino, said he would offer $5 grand for shares if the plan comes to fruition. "I imagine a lot of people who never vote, anyways, will rather have the $5K. This will ensure that, eventually, every vote will be cast".
Indeed, Gump predicts that within 4 years of the IPO that nearly every share will cast a vote. "No more worrying about turnout and GOTV efforts".
First, though, the plan would have to go through Congress. Senate leader Gary Deed admitted that his biggest corporate supporters were all in favor of the idea and he was feeling the pressure from their lobbyists. "I always sell out, its what I do".
House Speaker Nana Belagosi disagreed "My husband owns Del Morte and we are set for life, I could care less about creating America Inc. I am still much more in favor of turning this country into a clone of Cuba where the wealthy elite run the place and the other 98% are our slaves".
Experts say the split between capitalist America and dictatorship America is pretty uneven but that for America Inc to come to fruition a 3/4 majority is required in both chambers.
"Frankly, it could go either way at this point" said pollster Badmutton.
