Best to clear the left-overs, the fragments, the drek, out of the way before proceeding onto the big awards--this is always the least-exciting award to write--and so here they are, the bottom half of the top twenty DUmmies of 2013:
20-Omaha Steve--the big guy in Bellevue, 0bama Steve, and oh my how the great have fallen; once a perennial top finisher, this time he had a close shave in avoiding elimination altogether. The big guy made a second run for the Bellevue city council this year, getting considerably fewer votes than he had in 2012. Perhaps the next time he runs for something, he should pay attention to the advice and counsel of his fellow Nebraskan, giving him at least a second-place finish, and getting him back among the Top DUmmies.
20-WilliamPitt--the Bostonian Drunkard, no comment needed.
20-California Peggy--the CalPig primitive, the poetess laureatette of Skins’s island, no comment necessary.
19-ProSense--the perennial--and possibly paid--apologist for that man in the White House; for years she enjoyed the undying adulation and agreement among her fellow primitives, but this year her popularity began to fray, and continues to fray. It couldn’t happen to a more-appropriate primitive. As the 0bama presidency continues to unravel, one expects she’ll catapault into the top ten next year.
18-NYC_SKP--Skippy, the male counterpart of the CalPig primitive, who’s always up to saying an encouraging word, but never up to doing an encouraging deed; he’s no sartorial genius either, with a wardrobe making him look ridiculous--something out of Hawaii in the 1970s--rather than professional. And like the CalPig primitive, he gets around a lot, visiting fellow primitives in exotic locations; but being a governmental employee with an expense account that would please a maharajah, he does it on the taxpayers’ dime, not his own.
17-MrScorpio--O’Dorkio or McDorkio, the resident expert on “blackness†on Skins’s island, who always gets things wrong. His “black†hero, for example, has more in common with lily-white franksolich than with brown-black O’Dorkio. Once the ladies’ man of the Lounge, he’s retracted his balls considerably the past few years; one wonders what’s up with that. Maybe it’s age; he’s not as young and spirited as he used to be. Perhaps McDorkio could recover some of his lost vitality by doing something useful, like becoming Republican precinct captain for his neighborhood
16-graham4anything--the graham cracker primitive, who had a record 127 other primitives ignoring him by the time he was mausoleumed in July 2013, probably at the instigation of the bitter old Vermontese cali primitive. He was burdened with a perhaps-undeserved reputation for the singularity of his opinions, as really, he was a pretty conventional primitive, as primitives go, his notoriety based upon the reaction of other primitives to whatever he said, not upon what he said.
15-malaise--the malarial primitive, the sullen, scowling, sneering primitive from Jamaica, the yeller gal, a pal of cousin nadin’s; she didn’t do anything of exceptional interest this year other than substantially contribute to the gaseous poisonous miasma that overhangs Skins’s island. When one thinks of a thick malevolent fog, one inevitably thinks of malaise.
14-kentuck--the bluegrass primitive, who actually lives in Colorado, in or around Colorado Springs, for whom the fresh mountain air has done no good, as he continued to spout off ideas and opinions that would astound even Lewis Carroll or Arthur Koestler. Perhaps the bluegrass primitive would be better off in a lower elevation, back home in old Kentucky.
13-darkangel218--the dorkangel primitive, the champion swan-song singer on Skins’s island, who’s had probably more farewell performances than a whole flock of singing anitidae. Allegedly a student in nursing, she’s finishing it up faster than the speed of light, in the same fashion as those three-day trips to Europe she’s allegedly taken.
12-grasswire--addled Judy, the pie-and-jam primitive, who provided much laughter trying to sound credible and authoritative on so many different issues; she’s traced her ancestry clear back to Abraham and Sarah, or perhaps even to Adam and Eve, and is the “expert†on Skins’s island, on television talking faces and punidiots; in her spare time, she pursues the mystery of what ever happened to the late red round one. Her guardians--her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and adult great-great-grandchildren--have tried keeping her off the internet, as she makes herself look silly, but the old lady dodges them every time.
11-denninmi--Dennis the Menace, Den-Den, who caused a sensation blabbing w-a-a-a-a-a-y too much about his mental problems, demonstrating why the mentally-ill should not be allowed to post on message-boards, given their lack of discretion. Dennis the Menace is currently inactive on Skins‘s island, which is a good thing; perhaps it means he’s seeking help in a useful place, and if that’s the case, one wishes him well. But one wonders if he’s understood yet that one can either be a primitive, or be sane. Not both at the same time; just one thing or the other thing, a primitive or sane. Just one thing or the other thing.
Okay, onto the real awards…..
