The Canonical List of French Jokes
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him
Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.
Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)
Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!
Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"
Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.
Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket
Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!
Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country?
A: I don't know either, its never happened!
Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French?
A: "Speed bump ahead"
Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!
Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
A: People were confused about which side to spit on.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof?
A: 3 if you slice them thin enough.
Q: What is the difference between American fries and French fries?
A: Courage!!
Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? Don't want their record for surrender broken.
Why did the French send Lady Liberty to America? A. They had no use for her anyway B. They didn't want the tired, poor, huddled masses to come to France for God's sake. C. She wouldn't put out D. To be a constant reminder of the help they gave to defeat the British. As if WE'RE the ones with the short memory. E. They wanted to remind future generations that they once had the balls to do what is right. F. All of the above
Q: Why do French people always wear yellow?
A: To match the color of their blood!
Q: What's the easiest way to get lung cancer?
A: Breath the air in Paris!
Q: Why does every army (except the U.S., England and Israel) have to have a French flag?
A: In case they want to surrender!
Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?
A: She wanted to be the first French person to be able to defend herself!
Q: Why do the French never perform “the wave†at a soccer game?
A: Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.
Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." Jacques Chirac, President of France. "As far as France is concerned, you're right." Rush Limbaugh
"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." -- Argus Hamilton
"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." -- Dennis Miller
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?" -- Dennis Miller
Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are French.
"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." -- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
President Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French.
Q: Do you know why the French invented perfume?
A: Hey, *you* try sleeping with a French woman.
The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!
Q: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
A: Gratitude.
Q: Why does the French Navy suck?
A: Because cardboard doesn't float!
Q: what the Frenchmen can do in 5 minutes?
A: Surrender twice.
Q: What do Frenchies and Lays Potato chips have in Common?
A: Betcha Can't Hate Just One!
From a bumper sticker: "Save the Crepes - Eat A Frenchmen!"
American to Frenchman: "Do you speak German?" Frenchman: "No." American: "You're Welcome!
Q: Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?
A: Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!
Q: What's the difference between toast and Frenchmen?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast!
Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible.
Q: Why do people always talk about the 'foreign legion'?
A: They couldn't find any French to join!
Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman
Q: Why do Frenchmen carry crap in their wallets?
A: The law requires they carry at least one form of Identification.
Going to war without France is like going to marine boot camp without your Liza Minelli CD's
Q: What time is the Frenchman’s watch set to?
A: 5 minutes to One
Why should we expect the French to help us liberate Iraq, they didn't help us liberate France!
The last time France asked for more evidence, it rolled over them in Panzer tanks carrying the Nazi flag.
Q: What's the shortest book ever written?
A: French War Heroes.
Q: What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A: How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Q: Why does Nike like the French Army?
A: Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Q: Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly?
A: It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
Q: What's the difference between 1943 and 2003?
A. This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.
Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!
Q: Why do the French call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A: Because it doesn't really exist.
Q: What's green, cold, slimy and croaks?
A: A Frenchman
Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
A: A Mirage
Q: Why do the French have glass bottom boats in their Navy?
A: To see all their other ships.
Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordion.
Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the Panzers.
Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
A French rifle is for sale on e-bay. It's never been fired but I heard it's been dropped once.
Q: How many German and Frenchmen died in World War II????
A: Not Enough.
Q: How any French soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five! - One to sit on his butt and watch and do nothing. - The second to turn tail and run. - The third to roll over. - The forth to surrender to the light bulb and snitch out occupied sconces. - And the fifth to pick up a phone and cry to the United States.
Rumor has it that those French tanks have 6 gears, 5 reverse and 1 forward. Just in case they're attacked from behind, that's where the forward gear comes in handy....
Q: What does "Maginot" mean in English?
A: Welcome!
Q: Where can you find over 59 million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: Why do we need France on our side against Sadaam and Osama?
A: So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead French man In the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks In front of the skunk.
Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before
Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.
Q: How do you castrate a Frenchmen???
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: do Frenchmen always were yellow ties ?
A: to match the teeth
Q: What’s the best place to hide your money ?
A: under the soap of a Frenchman
Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII?
A: "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".
Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: What do you do if you see 59 million dead Frenchmen? A. Stop laughing and re-load!!
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it!
Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A: A good days hunting.
Q: What do you do if you drive over a French man?
A: REVERSE!
Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowning?
A: Chuck his wife and kids in as well.
Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.
Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.
Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.
Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris?
A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished coloring in the second one!
Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: Bisexual.
Jacques Chirac telephones George Bush with a frantic plea for help…â€Mr. President, we have been informed by our scientists that a giant meteor is headed straight for French, and unless something is done, it will strike France in 8 hours and completely destroy our country! Please help us by aiming all of your ballistic missiles at it to help us eliminate this threat before it’s too late!!†You are President Bush, what do you do? A) Stay up late and watch it happen on TV. B) Tape it and watch it in the morning.
Q. Why is the U.S. Navy building a fleet of glass bottom boats? A. So they can steer around the French Navy.
Q. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn? A. Stick your hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.
The real reason the French have not mobilized in the war with Iraq is they were covertly asked not to participate with the coalition. Seems the British, Americans and everyone else had logically concluded that having both sides of a war trying to simultaneously surrender would be too confusing.
"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn
"I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller
"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller
"As you know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno
"After what they say was an exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno
"French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno
"Finally, this week the French soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno
"We didn't need the French after all, the Iraqis are starting to surrender before the fighting starts, guess they knew the French maneuver already."
Is it any wonder that America’s most beloved French character is a skunk who stinks and thinks that he is desirable love god?
Q: Why do the French have huge heads?
A: To accommodate their huge mouths.
Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.
Heard about the new French-Chinese wine? One hour later and you're whining about America again.
Q: Why are so many French born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?
Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else?
A: The quiche of death.
Q: Why are the French so afraid of war?
A: You would be too if you never won one in your history.
The French *still* need more proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery.
Q. How do you introduce yourself in French? A. "Don't shoot, I give up!"
