The Beater Index

[Chris_]

Everybody believes they know what a beater is.

“My old 10 year old Chevy Cavalier is a real beater!”, they may remark in some self-affirming way. “Why it’s old and it has 120k miles, and the paint is faded… and…”, they will continue to go through the list on the mistaken belief that any car made in the late Clinton to Bush era is a beater. They’re not. At least not quite yet. Any car that can be scanned or diagnosed with a conventional OBDII scanner is not a beater.

Then there is the modern day Yuppie beater. “I have a late 90′s Mercedes E-Class that’s a true beater!” Never mind that the car would fit in at any country club if the owner bothered to give it a good detail.

In my humble opinion, these types of cars are not beaters at all. What qualifies? Well let’s go through the list shall we?


The ‘E’ Factor: As in embarassment. A true beater will always have a degree of social stigma attached to it. As in, “Did you see that crappy car that Flo the crackhead waitress drives? What a beater!” If your car blends in with the scenery of drivers, it’s not a beater. Only when a car sticks out in ‘that way’ does it qualify. Ten points.

Daily Driver: If you don’t use it as a daily driver no dice. Some may call it an antique. Others may call it junque. Either way it has to stay on the road to be a true beater. Five points.

Dents Don’t Matter: If hitting another object that is made out of steel does not require even a glance at the damage, five points.

Orphan Brand: Oldsmobile, Saturns, Pontiacs, Plymouth, Saabs and Hummers all get one point. Actually, they have to be at least 17 years old.

The Truth About Cars

Go read the rest.

[Eupher]

Based on this, my wife's 2000 Accord with 201,000 miles on it ain't a beater. This, despite the fact that a fat-ass bitch at Wal-mart crashed her f'n buggy into the side of the car and didn't say shit about it until I rolled the window down and called her on it.

Dumbass wench.    Left a small dent, but that pales in comparison with the swipe that yet another idiot left on the car in a hit and run last summer sometime.

At this rate, the car will be a frickin' beater next week.