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Hi! My Name is Evan, and I'll be Your Buzz Killer This Eveningby Evan HandlerIt's good! It's great! It's all fantastic, and I'm thrilled! Really. I do mean it. But something seems to be escaping our attention amidst the exaltation. In spite of the wars, the lies, the torture, the stacking of the courts, and the rollbacks to civil liberties; in spite of the religious fundamentalism, the fanaticism, and the utter disdain toward the population that's been expressed; in spite of the Katrina fiasco, the wire tapping, and the raping and pillaging of our economy for corporate gain (not to mention the ridiculousness and horrendous idiocy of the Republican campaign, including the Palin monstrosity) 56 million, 378 thousand, 316 Americans still voted for the other side. To humanize that just a bit, that means that 56,378,316 individuals waited in line just as long as you did, and worked just as hard as anyone else, to try to make sure that Barack Obama would not become president of the United States. I don't know about you, but that scares the shit out of me. It means -- for reasons that go way beyond any immediate financial crises -- we're still in very deep trouble.Who are they, and why do they feel this way? Well, they're 4.6 out of every 10 people you pass on the street. In other words, in spite of an electoral landslide and a historically significant popular margin, we still barely won. Just about as many people wanted it to go the other way.So, with those facts on the table, how do we pursue an aggressive agenda, and how do we sway some of those people and get them on board to reverse course? One possibility would be to take the route the Republicans took: they forced an extremist agenda down the country's throat in spite of having lost the popular vote (and still kept 46% support this past Tuesday!). Somehow I don't see an Obama administration tacking that tack.I've been spewing a joke around for the two or three weeks leading up to the election. I've been saying that, should Obama prevail, every woman who can stomach it should immediately go out, find a Republican man, and give him a blow job. Just make sure to impress upon him that the only reason he's getting the blow job is in celebration of a Democratic victory. The theory being that, come the next election, when he finds himself alone in a voting cubicle, his dick will point the way toward the Democratic lever. Kind of a reverse Lysistrata effect. Crass, perhaps, but not an insubstantial strategy.And now I find myself thinking in even crasser terms. Like, if you've got some money stashed away in these economically stormy days, if you've got some major purchases anywhere on your horizon, time them out for the first ninety days of the new administration. Need a washer/dryer or an automobile? Thinking of buying a new home? Want to get back into the stock market? Hold off 'till after January 20th, and let the numbers show sudden economic improvement during the first three months of a new Democratic majority. Because I've got a sneaking suspicion that those 56,378,316 misguided souls aren't the most sophisticated sailors on the sea.
Since there were more votes for Obama than McCain...And there are more women than men in this country...Then some poor Republican man must take a few extra for his team.I am that man.*(Pending spousal approval)
EWS OF BEING ALIVE (Riverhead Books, May 1, 08). In a collection of funny, off-beat, and poignant autobiographical essays, Handler moves beyond the supposedly incurable illness he triumphed over in his mid-twenties only to bumble through his thirties and forties in search of ever-elusive love and happiness. From bold attempts to rekindle his acting career, through his hapless efforts to run faster around New Yorks Central Park reservoir, from bizarre Internet dates, through his twenty-seven break ups (involving only ten women), Handler careens through his against-all-odds existence. Always searching for meaning in his unlikely survival, Handler shares stories of sadistic junior high school gym teachers, bullying wanna-be Hollywood moguls, returned engagement rings, and Europeans fascination with American bathroom habits. Picking up ten years after his first book, Time on Fire, Handler again uses what the New York Times calls his laceratingly funny and revealing storytelling skills to weave twenty-one new tales into a defiantly unconventional memoir. Consistently witty and insightful, Handlers stories shift effortlessly from the comedic to the profound, musing with equal intensity on the existence of God and his experiences with TV stardom. Then, just when it seems hes failed to make the most of his astonishing second chance, Handler finds his way to miracles even greater than the ones that saved his life. His memoir describes his journey from darkness to light, from yearning to gratitude, and in so doing succeeds as both a stirring love story and a classic coming of age tale. Its Only Temporary celebrates the transformation of boy to man even if it took Handler more than forty years to get there.
Somehow, you'd think someone with this background would be a little smarter. How can he go through "all that" and still support the murder of the unborn, the theft of earned money, the mockery of God? http://www.evanhandler.com/2.0/
