Posted this on another site about a year ago - fairly long, but worth the laugh. Are you reading CactusCarlos?
Frank; "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last minute, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coor's Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other judge's (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey; and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event;
CHILI #1 -- MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato, but an amusing kick.
Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
Judge #3 -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 -- AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 -- Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlice maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 -- FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 -- A bit salty, but good use of peppers.
Judge #3 -- Call the EPA...I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI #4 -- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 -- Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, but not much of a chili.
Judge #3 -- Felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300lb. woman is starting to look hot...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 -- LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming - Screw them!
CHILI #6 -- VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gasoline and sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore, except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 -- SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 -- Ho hum, taste's as if the chef literally threw a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a lot of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI#8 -- BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 -- NO REPORT
