Author Topic: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise  (Read 8752 times)

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Offline CC27

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A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« on: August 30, 2019, 08:21:51 AM »
Quote
malaise (194,602 posts)


A good joke from the Heaven believers

 
A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"

St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"That's incredible, " said the man.

St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"

St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

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Heaven believers?   Go **** yourself.

Offline fatboy

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2019, 09:04:51 AM »
Question: Where are the Dummy fans?

Answer: In the boiler room
"We will bring back our jobs. We will bring back our borders. We will bring back our wealth - and we will bring back our dreams!" -President Donald J. Trump 1/20/17

“The more Hillary goes on television the more the American people realize how awesome it is to have @realDonaldTrump in office." -Donald Trump Jr. 1/29/18

"You've been talking about Russia for the last three years, all day, every day then all of a sudden it comes out that the whole thing is a hoax...and all of a sudden they want to talk about health care. “This is why they're going to lose. This is why they're going to lose in 2020.”
-Eric Trump 4/12/19

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Offline SVPete

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2019, 09:18:25 AM »
Bill's, Hill's, Congressional Dems', and the MSM's clocks are banned as shrapnel hazards. :rimshot: And mal's clock's hands flew off, leaving holes in the wall, and dripped acid on everything below it. :rimshot:

Whatever.
Facts don't matter to DUpipo

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Offline Ralph Wiggum

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2019, 10:01:48 AM »
Humorless people.  All of their so called jokes aren't funny and must try to ridicule President Trump.
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Offline ADsOutburst

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2019, 11:29:30 AM »
Humorless people.  All of their so called jokes aren't funny and must try to ridicule President Trump.
Not to mention that this joke is recycled; I think it dates back to at least the Bill Clinton administration. You'd have to be living in another dimension to think it is novel or funny.

Offline SVPete

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2019, 11:40:38 AM »
Christians tend to have a sense of humor about themselves. The Babylon Bee often satirizes Evangelicals' traditions and quirks. Here's a joke a Baptist missionary told my family several decades ago:

One day a First Grade teacher told students to bring symbols of their family's religion to class for "Show and Tell".

A Jewish kid brought a Star of David and explained its significance.

A Muslim kid brought a crescent moon and explained its significance.

A Catholic kid brought a Crucifix and explained its significance.

A Baptist kid said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is a casserole."
Facts don't matter to DUpipo

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Offline FlaGator

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2019, 01:07:32 PM »
That joke was old when people told it about Bill Clinton.
Man’s greatness is so obvious that it can even be deduced from his wretchedness, for what is nature in animals we call wretchedness in man, thus recognizing that, if his nature is today like that of the animals, he must have fallen from some better state which was once his own.
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Offline jukin

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2019, 01:35:57 PM »
malaise's husband comes home one night after some heavy drinking with a duck under his arm.


malaise opens the door and her husband says "This is the pig I've been screwing."


malaise says "You drunk, that is a duck not a pig."


Her husband says "I wasn't talking to you."
TRUMP 2017-2024 MAGA

"We are gonna win, win, win. We're going to win with military, we're going to win at the borders, we're going to win with trade, we're going to win at everything. And some of you are friends and you're going to call, and you're going to say, 'Mr. President, please, we can't take it anymore, we can't win anymore like this, Mr. President, you're driving us crazy, you're winning too much, please Mr. President, not so much, and I'm going to say I'm sorry, we're going to keep winning because we are going to make America great again."

Offline Zathras

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2019, 04:25:31 PM »
What would any DUmbass know what heaven looks like anyway. They'll be needing asbestos underwear where they're going after they shuffle off this mortal coil.
Solve a man's problem with violence and help him for a day. Teach a man how to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime - Belkar Bitterleaf

Offline landofconfusion80

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2019, 07:04:57 PM »
Hey! Want to come to a party at my place? Lots of talking, fighting and screwing!

Sure! When should I be there?

Oh, you can come whenever you like, itll be just you and me.
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20. absolute bullshit. the cave is unspeakably vile.

I don't know how any of you can live with yourselves.

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Offline FlippyDoo

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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #10 on: August 31, 2019, 02:14:21 AM »
A certain DUmmie died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks it "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The DUmmie thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a fellow DUmmie on GoFundMe." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really enough to get you into Heaven." The DUmmie said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Two years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this DUmmie?"

Gabriel gave the DUmmie a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give it back its 50 cents and tell it to go to Hell."
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Re: A good joke from the Heaven believers. Malaise
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2019, 08:07:41 PM »
Christians tend to have a sense of humor about themselves. The Babylon Bee often satirizes Evangelicals' traditions and quirks. Here's a joke a Baptist missionary told my family several decades ago:

One day a First Grade teacher told students to bring symbols of their family's religion to class for "Show and Tell".

A Jewish kid brought a Star of David and explained its significance.

A Muslim kid brought a crescent moon and explained its significance.

A Catholic kid brought a Crucifix and explained its significance.

A Baptist kid said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is a casserole."

The best joke I ever heard was the one about 3 preachers, Methodist, Baptist, and Lutheran, and their wives on vacation, and all died in a horrible car wreak...

Lutheran goes to St. Peter, says I'm a minister and would like to get into Heaven, St. Peter said should be any problem, but he had to check the great book...
St. Peter says to the Lutheran preacher, I can't let you in.  It says all your life you lusted after money.  You never had any, but you lusted after it just the same, and that's just as bad.  In fact, your lust was so great, you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Penny.  I can't let you in!

Baptist preacher was next, St. Peter checked the great book and said, I don't believe it, this is 2 in a row, I can't let you in either.  It says all your life, you lusted after alcohol, you never had any, but you lusted after it just the same, and that's just as bad.  It says your lust was so great, you wouldn't get married until you met a woman named Sherri.  I can't let you in, either.

Methodist preacher turned to his wife and said, Well, Fanny, we may as well leave, too!!
Murphy's 3rd Law:  "You can't make anything 'idiot DUmmie proof'.  The world will just create a better idiot DUmmie."

Liberals are like Slinkys.  Basically useless, but they do bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs...
 
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